Friday, May 31, 2013

I did it!! Life changer! The Rundown

Thats right bitches
I went to NC to meet my Birth fam...
The sun rise from the Airplane
It was a crazy trip, fit a lot of people into 6 days...
But it was so worth it.
It was super awkward the first few hours/day..
Honestly, i was ready to hop a flight home shortly after I got there.
I chalk that up to jet lag, exhaustion and overwhelming anxiety.
I know I was not the only one who was anxious, I couldn't imagine meeting the child I gave up at birth...
The child I never new about...

My younger Brother J flew in the same day i did, but i came in early AM, he came in the late night:)
We Went to the Wright Brothers Museum in Kitty Hawk
That was super cool, and we got to hang out, and just talk.. It was good to get to know him face to face, instead of on the phone.

We swam in the Atlantic Ocean

That was cool... I had never seen the Atlantic Ocean, 
It is way different than the Pacific, 
it was def a good trip to the Beach with J, Neal and Shawna.

The next day, I got to meet my other brother B2, We had a cook out with the Enforcers:)
A great group of men and women, 
I got to go for a ride with one of my readers, and friend J!!
That car is HAWT!!

I got to meet B2's kids, the are stinking ADORABLE!
 The next day I got to hang out with both of my older brothers,
B1 and B2, and their kids:) 
That was fun!!

Then Tattoo time With B2

That was awesome, both done at the same time, by two different people, 
What a rush!!
Got to spend my last night with B2 and his GF, 
I was blown away by our similarities.

All in all, it was an amazing trip.
I am SO happy I got to go!!

There is so much more in my head, SO many things that are hard to put into words right now.

There is so much more to tell.
It is coming out slowly..

I feel like I need to be careful of my words, 
because once they come out I can never really put them back.

I must find the right words first.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The beginning of a beautiful thing


Tonight I fly out to North Carolina..
To finally meet my birth parents.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious.
I've had a ton of mixed reactions when people found out I was actually going. 
Most are excited for me, 
Some are anxious for me, 
And some just don't understand why. 

I am so thankful most of my family are happy for me. I think my brother is the most nervous for me, he being adopted too, has a ton of reservations. Some for me, and some for his self. He tells me blood doesn't make you family, love does. He is right. To me that doesn't mean that I cannot have a relationship with my biological family. My brother will always be my brother, no matter what happens. 
 Wish me luck, I'm ready to start a new chapter! 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It's Tuesday...tiny terrorist Tuesday

See, she is cute, but good god, this child is crazy!

She will hit, kick, punch, scream and pout. She is so mean! 
 She walked up to me the other day and looked at me, bent over and spit on my shoe, looked right back at me and ran.
The next day it was "Your a witch, I don't have to listen to you"

Today's conversation went like this
Mr: I can always tell when you work hard
Me: *snappy* OH Really?!? HOW!?
Mr: you get crabby and yelly
Mayhem: dad, that means she works hard every day


This girl will be the death of me

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Birthday Bucket list

Every year on my birthday I've made a list if things I'd like to accomplish for the coming year, with my 29th birthday ( the first of many I'm sure :) ) fast approaching its time to see what I've done!

1: Meet my birth parents. this has been on my list for years!! And sad to say I will not be doing this before I Turn 28, but I will be doing it before I turn 30!! Excited to see then in my Birth month, this year!!' Can't wait to write about it!

2: Get motivated, you know to work out more, eat better, and feel better! I've done much better this year than previous years, much!! The weight is coming off ssslllooowwwwly, but it is coming off. I work out almost daily, and eat great! I feel so much better! This will be a yearly goal!

3: Be positive!! I'm not generally a negative nelly, but I do have a problem with not being the bestest at it can be,
This year has be crazy, and I think I've done pretty good and keeping it positive/) it's not easy!

4: switch my focus, I spend/t a lot of time focusing on anything but my home and family, it causes tons of problems between the Mr and I:( I've been working on cutting back the social part of me. And really working on our family. Somedays are better than others, but I feel the tides turning.

5: Letting go. I've been thru some shot... Some real shit in my life. I've held on to a ton of anger and hurt, and it was literally making me sick. I've done a lot in working to let go, and some things I have let go, I've forgiven people for things I thought were unforgivable and I have started the process to forgive myself. I've still got a long way to go.

This coming year holds a ton of excitement and new things, meeting my birth parents, the big girl goes to high school, the baby goes to kindergarden, maybe a return to work... It is also another year to work on myself and my family.
Here is to some of the best years yet!!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

how is it...

Things have been changing.. 
The people in my life,
 the people I WANT in my life, 
the way I look at things, 
 the way I see me. 

There are some big things coming my way,
I get to meet my biological parents and siblings for the first time,
I have to make some huge decisions about my family,
I've got to keep evolving.

Today it feels impossible. 
That the things coming are going to overwhelm me, 
I almost feel like I am drowning.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Guest Post: Parenting and Caregiving

Guest Post: 
Cameron Von St. James

Being a New Parent With Cancer

Having a baby is a joyous occasion for anyone, and when my wife Heather and I welcomed our little Lily into the world in the summer of 2005, we were ecstatic.  Little did we know then that just three months later, we would be thrown into a nightmarish whirlwind of cancer treatments as Heather struggled to overcome an aggressive form of the disease, Mesothelioma
It wasn't easy.  All of the challenges that come with adjusting to parenthood were amplified because we were so short on time and resources.  Heather had to leave her job, and I needed to take considerable time off in order to care for her and Lily.  Meanwhile, there were sleepless nights worrying about my family’s future.  I needed to take care of both my wife and my daughter, and Heather needed to remain close to her little girl despite her own pain.

All we could do was our best, and while we struggled, there were wonderful moments every day as we watched our daughter grow and cherished Heather's small triumphs.  We were able to be together more because Heather needed me so much, and that brought all three of us closer together.  While I wish that she had not needed to go through the pain and fear of that experience, I am thankful for the sense of intimacy that this period fostered.  It showed us that we could tackle any challenge that would come our way.

It also demonstrated to us that it really does take a village to raise a child, as well as to fight a dangerous disease.  Neither of us could have done it alone.  We had a veritable army of babysitters, meal providers and just general helpers who were there for the three of us when we needed it most.  We learned who our real friends were and came to rely on their kindness, setting aside our pride for the sake of what needed to be done.  I know that both of us would happily do the same if one of those friends were in need.

Being a cancer caregiver is hard, and I had to learn fast with the added pressure of a new baby in the midst of our cancer battle.  If you are a cancer caregiver, I hope you can take a few lessons from someone who has been there before.  Take all the help you can get, and don’t let your pride get in the way.  Allow yourself to have bad days, this is inevitable with the amount of stress and fear you’ll likely experience, but always remember to never, ever give up hope.

Thankfully, not everyone will face the kinds of challenges we did, but every family must deal with unexpected hurdles.  Don't let them discourage you.  Life is a beautiful gift, so embrace it together.

After months of extensive mesothelioma treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, Heather was able to defy the odds and beat her cancer.  She has been cancer free for seven years.  She is the strongest person I know, and I’m so thankful to be able to spend everyday with her.  After making it through this terrible battle, we now hope that by sharing our experiences, we can help inspire others currently going through a similar battle. Never give up hope, and always keep fighting for the ones you love.

You can read more from 
Cameron Von St. James

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My daughter's view on how she was inspired..

The Girl was asked to write a short paper about what she learned about stereotypes, over coming adversity poverty and drive when studying about Olympian Lopez Lamong

He was a victim of the second Sudanese war, a boy snatched from his mother, 
A lost boy.

This is The Girl's paper...

I am the same age as my mother was when I was born.

My mother has tried her hardest, and done her best. She shields me from the negativity and stereotypes. She is more than a teen parent and I am more then the child of one. I am may never know the struggle of poverty because, my mother shields me.

I am not a poverty stricken, child of an unwed 14 year old mother.

I am a straight A student
I do what I am asked (mostly)
I am independent, strong willed and driven.
I am Olivia ********

I am free and protected. Lopez Lomong was not.

Lopez Lamong, a 6 year old ripped from his mothers arms, taken to be a child solider.

And he ran.

He ran for safety, and now, a lost boy is found.

A great man, who over came, and rose above war, poverty, oppression, and ignorance. He did not run away, but ran for Africa.

Among the oppressed and poverty stricken. To those who face  insurmountable odds. He is a  true victor.

I am not my stereotype.
 I am not my situation, 
as Lopez Lamong  showed me,
 I will not and cannot let circumstances define me, but only drive me to greatness. 

needless to say....
I am so fucking proud.

Time to let go...

After some long discussions with a friend, and the Mr. 
I have realized that i have to just let go of some things.
It is an unfortunate decision that will affect me, 
I'm not sure about how this decision will affect the other people involved in my decision.
I am not one to let myself or my family be taken advantage of.
And that is exactly how I feel,
taken advantage of.
When I have nothing to offer, you want nothing from me, 
but if you need something, 
my phone is quick to ring...
Of all the invitations that are offered by us, 
very very few are offered by you.

Its never anything big, 
but all the little slights add up, ya know??
You are so caught up in your own little world I don't even know if you realize how far you have pushed me.
Well now you know.
I cannot be the one you call when you need something, 
I have given and given, 
with nothing in return, 
not even a thank you
really that is all I wanted. 
Its not just me either, I have seen you do this to quite a few people in the years I've known you.
Someone is a friend as long as they have something you want, or can do something that benefits you.
It's really sad, 
I thought our friendship was more than that, 
but I guess its not.

If you are reading this, and you probably will, and feel anything, this might be about you. Or it may apply to some one else in your life.

I am sorry, 
but I cant keep making time for some one, who wont make time for me.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Boobies, an update!

 I met with a new doc,
 I absolutely love her!!

She was able to tell me exactly what is going on and for that I am so thankful!
I have duct estasia, 
Its gross really, all of the secretions your breasts produce get all clogged and gunky and fill the duct just behind the nipple, that in its self is one thing, but mine ruptured causing inflammation and fat necrosis. 
She did take a tissue sample and I also have ductal hyperplasia, or an overgrowth of cells that line my ducts.
It is not cancer, but it can become cancer.
My treatment plan is pretty easy,
I will always probably have ductal estasia. but it wont always be a problem, I am getting my yearly mammograms starting now, instead of a baseline at 35, and yearly at 40, and that is just because of family history and because I have ductal hyperplasia.
If I am a carrier of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation, my follow up is increased to alternating mammogram and mri every 6 mos, as well as as a pelvic exam w/ultrasound every 6mos and a blood draw every year to monitor tumor markers in my blood.
I can also opt for a hysterectomy as soon as i start showing signs of menopause to remove my ovaries, tubes and uterus to lower my risk of ovarian cancer, as well as a prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction to lower my risk for breast cancer, as well as take a estrogen binder, Tamoxaphen, to help lower my risk as well.

Yesterday I also saw the geneticist,
The vampires took my blood, 
and in the next three to six weeks I will know if i have one of  the genetic mutations that increase my chances for getting breast and ovarian cancer. 
I am anxious to know if i am a carrier of either of these mutations, not only for me to just know, but so I can have my kids tested at 18 to see if they have them as well. There  is a 50/50 chance if i am a carrier that one of them have it. 
I have also spoken to Shawna about being tested, if she has the mutation  my brother can be tested as well as her siblings for the mutation if they choose.

So the roller coaster is over for now!!
Don't forget to check your boobies!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Exciting Revelations... a reunion in the works!!!

So i have written about being adopted, 

below are links to the story

I have some exciting news.
In May I will be flying to North Carolina to meet my birth parents,
and my brothers.

I am so excited. 
It will be scary and amazing.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Boobies... Just checkin'

Ok, so in my last few posts I talked about my boobs and seeing a surgeon.
Well the first surgeon could not answer any questions, at all.
So now, well not now, tomorrow I will make my way to the city on the hill, (seriously this particular hospital is like 4 hospitals in one) to see a new surgeon, and see what she says.
Then on the 14th I meet with a geneticist to see if I have "fatal genes" or the BRCA 1&2 gene mutations that would put me at higher risk for breast cancer.

Seems like time is creeping by. Lame.

The thing the mr and I have been discussing is, if I have one of these mutations, would I choose prophylactic surgery. A preventative mastectomy (surgical removal of both breasts) with a reconstruction, and prophylactic removal of my ovaries to prevent ovarian cancer.

Those are huge decisions. The boobs not so much, I mean really, who wants floppy boobs? But the early menopause? No hormone replacement? Yikes.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Shit is still not right...

So I posted a week ago about the shit that has been going on, and after my appt with a boobie doctor, a breast MRI and an appt with the boobie smasher (mammogram) I am still no closer to figuring out what the fuck is going on.

So I go back to the boobie dr, or breast specialist on the 26th, if I can hold out that long, and then we discuss the next steps...

I also have an appointment with a geneticist, to see if I qualify for genetic testing for gene mutations that would/can raise my risk for not only breast but ovarian cancer.

I'm not as terrified as I was,
I seriously hate not knowing wtf is going on with my own body.
I hate being exhausted,
I hate feeling like shit,
I hate being so lopsided that I don't want to leave the house.

This shit blows.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Shit's not right at the house of random

So a few days ago I posted about physical therapy for my vag... Well it will be a while before I can go. Not cause I like peeing my pants, but because there is something else more pressing that I have to do.

Those of you I know in Real Life, please do not run and yell from the mountains, because this shit is serious. So serious most of my family, my kids included, have no idea what is going on.

Last month when I was doing my monthly breast exam (seriously bitches, check your boobs and know what is normal for you) I noticed a little indent that most definitely was not there the month before.
I called the doc and went to visit. I have to say the diviot was not as concerning as my new lack of energy, I am tired all the damn time, or the swollen lymph nodes I can feel in my arm pit. So I saw the doc on the 16th of January, and she ordered a mammogram with ultrasound follow up.
That was the 18th of January. The radiologist was kind of an ass and refused to do the mammogram, because of my age, the radiation is a great risk and because dense breast tissue is hard to image.

After my u/s radiologist came in and gave me the standard "your boobs are fine" line I do have an enlarged lymph node but that's normal.. It didn't seem right to me so I asked a few questions and was told to stop worrying because I am "too young for breast cancer"

So that was that.

Until by breast started to swell, and it started to get a pink rashy appearance so back to the dr I go....

As of this moment I meet with a breast surgeon/oncologist in Friday. So she's can check out my boobs, with a breast MRI on Monday.

I've spent the last few days anxious, and terrified.

I think the clincher is in the back of my mind, since just before I found the little divot in my breast, there is little voice telling me something is just not right... Something is very wrong, if I didn't have that little voice screaming at me, I would probably feel better.

I know my body, I trust what it's telling me.
The one other time it was screaming at me, I almost died.

I am terrified of what the oncologist will say, or really I should say, I'm terrified of the wait. Nothing can change what is... So what ever it is I can handle. But the waiting... The waiting is going to kill me.

I know I'm not too young,
I know it's said every day,
But I don't want to hear
"Ashley, you have cancer"

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Debbie Downer

I've gotten a lot of people asking me why I don't post more, why I'm not writing...

Truth is, I have been, just not here. I use writing to get thru the hard times, when I'm down and depressed, and honestly I haven't been fit for consumption lately.

That ends now.

I'm still down, stressed about health issues, been in an outta doctors offices with no real answers and worry in my mind. I weighs heavy on my heart.

Money is strapped pretty snug, choosing between stopping auto pay on our insurance so we can eat till next payday... It happens to everyone. But it feels like it's my fault.

Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is just sitting on your shoulders, ya know?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Yeah, my kids fucked up my vagina

Yeah, I said it.
I pee my pants.
I leak pee pretty much doing all the things.
You know the things that moms do, or really people in general.
(Yeah I hear you snickering bitch, guess what, I bet you pee a little too!)

While leakage is relatively normal, well not normal but the norm, I'm gonna bring you on my journey of how to get that shit fixed!

Today I met with a GYN who specializes in urology. Great office but I had to pee so bad, I almost pissed all over it.

Standard urine sample, no prob
Blood pressure, cool
Undress from the waist down, eh that's what he said
Oh I forgot, I've got to straight cath you to make sure your bladder is empty, wtf! This is getting serious.

That's all before I even met the doc!

Also, they make this lidocaine lube, my vag is still numb,


So doc comes in, shakes my hand and gets down to business. And by down I mean she raises the table to her face height and feels me up for a long ass time, then tells me I have

Mixed inncontence
So that's 2 fucked up things,
Stress and urge.
Also that my muscles are "too tight" wtf? Awesome right? Not so fucking much I guess cause it makes me piss myself.
Also that my bladder is starting to prolapse.
Fucking awesome right? I've got a tight vag and an external bladder? Don't you wish you were that cool?

So get this, course of action?
This should be interesting.
I blame this on mayhem, she was born with shoulders like a linebacker, Also there is such a thing as too many kegals.