Monday, November 26, 2012

Fucking Mondays...

I don't hate Mondays, but really, they are one of my fav days of the week! The big kids go to school, the mayhem is generally calmer when they are gone.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Two sides

Two sides of the same coin,
two sides of the same face,

Two sides of the same life, 

Two sides to this twisted story,

When you strip me to my bones,

Strip me to the flesh,

When you see all there is to see,
will you still love
the two sides of me?


What dreams may come.....

This summer I had a chance encounter.

I met up with someone who I've always connected with, but didn't really know.
During the course of conversation we talked about dreams, not the dreams you have for your self or others, but the dreams that come when you are most vulnerable, when your guard is down, when sleep gets the best of you.

After my dad died, all I saw when I slept was the last moments of my dads life, on replay. It was terrible, and painful, and I would wake crying and confused. I used to pray ,

Dreams come swift and carry me away,
Please dear lord keep the nightmares away.

The dreamed slowly stopped, peace retuned to my dreams.

One day I was struggling, with life. With issues... And he came to me then, in my dream. It was disbelief. He was happy he was healthy and he was in my dreams because I needed him there. He held me and I could feel him, his strength, his warmth. He said he was there because he saw me struggle. He saw my pain. He was there because he loved me. It was as if it really happened.

Back to the beginning....

I shared this dream with my friend. And he shared a similar dream about his mom. At that moment I felt an amazing peace and calm. It was like we were destined to be at that moment sharing that story.

That was a turning point in my grief. I felt light hearted, unburdened. All because someone I knew, but didn't really know, shared a grief that, even though different, was very much as deep as my own.

I will be forever thankful for those small moments.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Interesting follow up

You can see the OP here
http://arocky1.blogspot.com/2012/11/blog-post.html?m=1

This is the message I got in response to my previous post, this is what I was trying to get to in the first place. Being bitchy serves no purpose. I took offense personally to her comment. Hence the reason she was put on blast.



"Random, I would like to explain myself. . . I would never tell my child or anyone elses they were a "Hoochie", I was trying to add some "old school" humor, so yes i agree my choice of words were wrong on a serious subject. I still hurt from my exlerince, I hate that my son has suffered so much because of my "stupid choices". I look at all these "dumb" teens and i want to shake some sense into them. I was emotionally messed up, I came from a terrible home. Having sex was never pressured on me but i felt like someone (name removed) cared and thats what i wanted and needed. Then i was left alone. I really hated myself after that. I want so much more for my kids. I wouldnt tell my kids sex is gross, but i will tell them the truth, because as im sure you know theres are alot of name calling from peers and STDS. Im thankful i never had to experince a std, i was lucky. Im sorry I pissed you off, it pisses me off that these tv shows like teen mom make it look so easy, living with their BF or driving nice cars and all the happy baby moments. My experince was HELL no help at home, no car, i had to stuff newspapers to buy diapers + clothes for (name removed) , i would cry myself at night trying to calm a screaming baby then going to school the next morning on the short bus."


This is the reality for most teen parents. Not all but some.

I've seen the spectrum in the 14+ years I've been pregnant and/or parenting.

NO ONE has the right to judge anyone else. Yeah we all do it, I can count on two hands the people who showed me compassion. Two hands the people who didn't care what I did/what happened that were just my friend, and supported me.

What I hoped to get at,
I hope my kids can show compassion in life's toughest moments. Can reserve judgements and just be a friend. I hope my kids, liv especially, can see someone, anyone in a tough spot and show grade and compassion.
This is the only life you are given. It's mot a measure of your choices, but how you deal with the consequence.





YOUR TEAM

My good friend turned me on to a game.

she's gonna kill me but this is her in all her splendor:)




You find the worst of the worst and place them on other people's team. 
Seems legit right??? 




Until your news feed looks like this.....



















And 
you start getting text messages like this.....






Interesting

I recently posted on my personal fb how would you teach your kid/tell your kid when approached with teen parenting.

This outta the mouth of a teen parent.
Hood Rat Hoochie.... Also has a bajillion kids. Well not a bajillion, but you get my point.



Tuesday, October 9, 2012

THE HOUSE OF RANDOM

Some shit that's happened in the house of random since I've been MIA...

We spent the entire summer without a shower or bath in our house.... Not to say we didn't bathe, but due to a series of unfortunate events, we were unable to finish our bathroom remodel in a timely fashion. Note to DIYers, order EVERYTHING and inspect BEFORE you tear apart your only bathroom.

The dude got a little weirder, mayhem truly lived up to her name and miss attitude... Well the name sums it up!!

We vacationed with great friends and some great lines from the trip..

"If you get too much dirt in your eyes, you will get diarrhea"
"Trees are living"
"I feel like we've met in a past life"
"Do you ever feel like your kids are just born to be who they are"
Also a hilarious ongoing game of your team, where the mr actually put me on my good friends mr a team.

Lots of back yard bbq's and shenanigans.

Now into the school year, same shot different day.


Now if you'll excuse me, thanksgiving break is a week long this year and I've gotta go make my kids thankful I haven't killed them yet!!!

Remember that one time....

You know, that one time you wish people would forget about

Monday, October 1, 2012

OH SNAP!!

All right bitches. This is how it's to going to be... I have about 40 unpublished posts. Right now I'm trying to decide if i should publish them, or trash them.

I write for me, but what would you like to see here on Random Thoughts? Guest bloggers? Features? Giveaways?

What are some of your favorite posts of mine?

THIS BITCH IS BACK!

Stay tuned!!!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Its been a while... what has been going on at the house of Random

Alright bitches.... 
I'M BACK!!!

Life has been crazy so i will share the highlights

The month of April in the State of Oregon
IS
I've been working my ass off getting things in order for media appearances, fundraisers and conferences, not to mention the work with Governor Kitzaber to get the proclamation!!

HERE IT IS!!

Also I am hard at work fundraising for 
PS Click the link to donate!!

Then I decided that for my birthday 
I want to go meet my birth parents,
If you haven't read my adoption story you can read
AND
Q&A

more to come soon!!!




Monday, April 9, 2012

Vagina Warfare..... So insightful

     To me, this really is a sad state of affairs....
the fact that these were actually banned from being published...
what about freedom of speech?
Freedom of the press?
I guess as women, we are not capable of making informed decisions. 

I just want to say 
THANK YOU 
to 
GARRY TRUDEAU
for this enlightening comic

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Vagina Warfare.... That's what he said...



According to most men I’ve spoken with
men shouldn't have a say in what a woman does with/to her own body.
They can only offer opinion and support what ever SHE chooses.

From a dude who I used to know:
This topic irritates me. Mainly, because abortion makes me upset spiritually. Secondly, because without it, we would have even more fatherless children running around.  Lastly, because I am a man and what I know about women's bodies wouldn't fill a thimble.
Birth control should be free Using birth control should be less than optional. Let's say you are on TANF(temporary aid for needy families/cash from the state)  taking birth control should be mandatory
 It makes me sick that men control the laws the decided the fate of these two very important issues.
 (Birth control and abortion)
 The disproportionate amount of Men in the senate and congress having more say over a women's issue than actual women.
 (I AM) Pro choice
But that doesn't mean I like it.
Some fetuses are better off dead.
Parents are unfit.
 Child may be born with a disability.
 But those mothers have to answer to God at some point.
There is research out there that shows that roe v. wade lowered crime rates in the United States


Why is that? Not your body, not your choice? What about if it was your kid? What if Your wife decided today to not have the baby she is carrying?


If the child was going to have an extremely difficult life because of downs, or some chromosomal defect I would be for snorting the fetus

If that was the case and she was adamant against it? How would you feel? How have your views changed since becoming a father and a husband? And regarding your daughters’ rights to her own body?

If she were against it, I would accept it and deal with the consequences


But it is not the only point of view from men.
Another good friend had this to say, 
in a discussion about 
 article he posed

Me: As a believer in abortion, i find this seriously disturbing. As a mother, I feel outrage. Terrible.
         HIM: You believe in abortion? I'm sorry but I just don't see any way that abortion is right... Birth control is around for a reason.
ME: Birth controls fail... And it isn't just unwanted pregnancy, there is rape, maternal death risk, severe anatomical/gestational deformations. There are birth controls that promote abortion by the very definition
A miscarriage is called a “spontaneous abortion"
 There are many reasons for abortion, and rightly so. I can understand how you don't see it as a right or moral choice, but it is a choice you, your self personally will never have to make. As to the article in question this is not abortion, as the pregnancy has ended. This is murder.
HIM: I know it a choice I will never be able to make, the choice was made for me, my unborn child was aborted three months into the pregnancy...so I guess I have strong views on the subject matter. But life is life, and is always precious in god eye's...
ME: I'm sorry for your very real loss. Strong views are an amazing thing. And you are correct all life is precious in Gods’ eyes. But God is good, God is forgiving. I do not believe that by choosing abortion god will shun me, but embrace and forgive me,.
HIM: You are right god forgives all those who ask forgiveness and believe in him, he will not shun you if you repent...but That doesn't make it right in any way. And thank you, I have many strong views, and this is one of them:)



My question now is this...
Which of these two men are right?
The man who would support his wife and daughter?
The man who has suffered the loss of his child?
If/when you choose for your self,
does your what your
 partner/bf/husband/friend
feel, think, or want matter?


Friday, March 2, 2012

Stirring the pot.... Abortion story

   This is not an easy read
 if you are offended easily 
please skip this post.




 ****** This is not my story, this is a story from an amazing woman, mother and wife********
                    This was not an easy story for her to tell, please save your judgement.


via


I'm pro choice, I think the only one who gets to make a decision about a woman's body is the woman herself.


A couple months after I turned 15,
 I was pressured into having an abortion by my boyfriend at the time
AND
his and my own mother.
Eventually I was literally forced by the Planned Parenthood clinic I went to
 (yes, forced...it was horrible and traumatic).
After that, abortion has never been something that I would ever choose for myself.
I still think women should have the right to decide what is right for them.
 I just think that women should really make sure they educate themselves on the process, and the after effects, such as depression. I know some girls that were so messed up in the head from having an abortion that they went right back out and got knocked up to make them selves feel better.
Its not an easy choice to make,
 or cope with.

Planned Parenthood.
I showed up at the clinic with my Mom.
 I was so pressured into it, I felt defeated, and felt like I had no choice.
To my Mother, I was a 'whore', and it was said that if I didn't have an abortion I would kicked out.
 So of course I sit and think
 "I'm 15, I can't go to school AND work and provide my a place, food, clothes, and everything else for me and a baby all by myself... what am I supposed to do?"

So there we are at the clinic, and they call me back, I hated my Mom so of course I told her I didn't want her going with me. So I go back, they tell me to change into a gown and they'd be right with me. So I change, and I'm sitting in their cold room on the table waiting. And while I'm waiting I'm hearing this girl in the other room screaming bloody murder, because she too, was having an abortion.
Come to find out, she was having an abortion at almost 6 months pregnant.
 They finally came in, have me lie down, tell me to relax, which of course if absurd...you can't relax after you've just heard screaming, knowing that you're about to go through the same thing. My thoughts are racing and I'm suddenly like
"this isn't right, I can't do this, I can't make it work somehow, I just don't want to be here doing this"
 and I say
 " I don't want to do this"
 to them, and look over and they already have this HUGE, and I mean a good 8-10" needle all ready to go for me which upon administering, instantly starts contractions so they can open up your cervix and...well, do what they have to do.
 So I literally tell them
"no, I don't want to do this anymore, let me go out of here"
and they literally told me
 "No sweetie, 
I know you're scared but this is what's best"
  Then
three people held me down, administered the injection and the next thing I remember is crying and hearing a vacuum. The last thing I remember is sitting in a recovery area, almost incoherent and a nurse coming over and giving me a Depo Provera shot (which, I never ever EVER said I wanted. I didn't even know what it was). I know it sounds crazy, but it really happened. After that, I had to stay home from school for two days.
 December 12th 1997 will forever be in the back of my mind.
That, and the fact that had things went the way I wanted, I'd have a 15 year old child..
What's interesting, is to this day, I never told my own mother what happened that day. I don't think I spoke to her for days afterwards. I don't think she could have handled what I went through...
what she coerced me into doing.
And what's even better, is not even a week after my abortion, my boyfriend, the 'would be' father says
"I wonder what the baby would have looked like, I kind of wish we kept it."
 WOW, REALLY?
What's worse, is he had a big mouth, and told one of his friends what happened, and that friend (a girl) went around and told the whole high school. I had people that even you probably know, threaten to shoot me (right in the middle of class in front of teachers) because that's what I deserved after being a 'whore who kills babies'. Ugh... I swear to God my life is like a really fucked up Lifetime movie. And this isn't even the half of it

All of THAT being said,
and you may find this odd,
I still went to Planned Parenthood later on in my life.
I don't think by any means that all abortion clinics treat you that way.
 I sincerely think it was that clinic at THAT time.
 If it weren't for Planned Parenthood, so many girls would go without BC, and so many more unwanted babies would be born. Not to mention, for women like me, who don't have health insurance, its a necessity for my reproductive health.
 One of the IUD's that I had, they provided me with at no cost.
 Thank God too,
because I'm more fertile than anyone I know.

**********************************************************


I first of all want to say, thank you for sharing this story, i know how hard it is to tell this story.
I admire your courage. 
One of the things that is left out of the 
PRO CHOICE 
argument is 
REGRET and REMORSE
the PRO LIFERS
think that as women,
 making this decision is easy, 
that we feel it is without consequence.
In fact it is the exact opposite,
and OUR consequence
 is just that.
OURS.
It's not an easy choice, 
it's often regrettable,
but then again, 
sometimes so is having a child.
Being FORCED to carry a child,
because there is no other option.
being FORCED to have an abortion,
because someone thinks you are incapable
or you think you are incapable.
It's the same kind of evil.

What do you think? 
How does it make you feel in your gut?
This isn't a pretty story because it's not supposed be.
It's not an easy read,
And it shouldn't be.
This is a struggle that many women face.
Real women.
Not some man in a suit, not a politician.
What gives anyone else a say in what women do with their own bodies.



Thursday, March 1, 2012

Stirring the pot.... Vagina Warfare

SERIOUSLY

I've been thinking and planning this post for a while, 
a little less random, 
a little more 
REAL

What is the country coming to when 
we as women do not stand up for our rights to our own bodies?
more to come...
I will be posting an
Why she still supports Planned ParentHood
Why what I say doesn't matter
Pro-Choice, 
It's not what you think it is.



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

He's got his ass hat on again...

I've said it before, and i will say it again....
The Mr is a crazy hard worker

I don't have job,
that pays $$
but 
I have a job,
I work 24 hours a day 7days a week
I am 
MOM

What little cash I do get goes into running our house,
you know, 
the basics.
food, gas, toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and the kids extras that they need.
That is totally an acceptable way to spend my money.

That said,
I don't EVER ask for extra cash for something, 
or anything,
that I want.
I want a new pair of sneakers, 
nope,
 kids out grew theirs,
I need a new pair of pants cause mine are too big,
nope,
my kid just out grew theirs.
And it just keeps happening.
no big deal,
I am the mom, 
I am so completely happy to put my wants and needs aside 
so they can have what they need and want first.
That is exactly what i signed up for:)
serious.

On the rare occasion I want something 
for me/ myself ,
bad enough to 
Actually ASK
the MR for extra,
when i know the kids have absolutely
 EVERYTHING
they could need or want
it is so frustrating to hear him say 
NO
I do not ask often,
And if i do ask,
Its for something i really really want.
otherwise, 
It would have been shrugged with everything else 
I thought I needed or wanted. 

If I spent a small fraction of what he did 
on himself and his
"activities"
I would feel selfish,
and my kids would have even more.

Time to take the 
ASSHAT 
OFF!

or 
I can just give up 
cause really 
I'm not that important to him anyways

Just sayin...






Monday, February 6, 2012

lovin linky

Im teaming up with the awesome 
Ashley @ 

Stay tuned to my facebook page for a featured blog every day:)

Help me, help others...

via pinterest
Next Monday is a big day for me, it is the kick off 
of our
celebration!

Last year i was asked why I relay...

 I really had to think about that, do a lot of deep soul searching.


 I relay for research.


 Plain and simple.

My cousin lost her battle with Acute myeloid leukemia the year she turned 16, 
but she was also a part of something huge.....
 She was involved in a clinical trial of Gleevec in kids,
Gleevec saves so many lives now.
 She got it....

My dad, when he got his Terminal diagnosis, 
did he lay down and die?? 
Absolutely not.
 He enroled in a Clinical trial for a drug that was supposed to shrink tumors.... and it did for a while. He continued to hope and fight.
 My dad got it......

Now I come back to why I relay... 
What these to amazing fighters taught me, 
without research nothing will change. 

Every cancer will be just as 
deadly
just as
 nasty,

 So maybe i will use my misfortune and loss 
to help someone else not have it quite so bad.... 

I will give unto others, 
myself.
I relay to honor the ones who gave their bodies to help others
 even when it may not have helped themselves,

 I 
Relay 
for

Relay 
For 


This year my goal is $5000
I am a long way from it.
Please make a donation,
HERE!
Help me save lives.
Please share this post, 
the link to my page, 
anything.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Do you like Pina~Coladas...

This one has been in my head for a while... weeks, 
IF NOT MONTHS 
in fact..

Here is some past posts to catch you up on  WHY exactly this has been stuck in my head


Back to the title..
Do you like Pina~Coladas..

you know that song by Rupert Holmes?

Its about a guy who is bored with his wife...
unfulfilled..

"I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song."




but he didn't realize it wasn't just him , 
and when he was looking for more.

After responding to a personal ad ...

"So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew".."


he found it
in his wife.



I've said it before 
and 
things change..

this song is so spot on to the previous posts,
It's about finding the time it our busy lives,
to remember,
 and
to rediscover 
our love


Its not always easy, 
but it's 
ALWAYS 
worth it

Friday, January 27, 2012

Thursday, January 26, 2012

oh shit, she's been thinkin...

Ever have those moments when reflecting on your life and think 
"HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN"

Its something i wonder often.
How the fuck did my life turn into this??
(def not complaining, i love who I am and where I am)

Looking back at all the choices, good and bad
looking at all the life events that have led to this moment..
i wonder,
Why the fuck haven't i been
  committed  
given an award for most creative breakdowns.

I'm not really crazy, just intense.
Like a chemistry experiment, one wrong measurement or chemical and 
BOOM
I blow the fuck up.
Or,
  i used to.

I've calmed down,
Kind of.

Where the fuck is this post going.....

hmm...



ANYWHORE

Ive been thinking...

i need one of those digital voice recorders.. 
cause thats the thing about RANDOM Thoughts,
I forget them..
well not really, 
but when im thinking them i usually talk them out 
with my self 
Out loud..

Even now,
 i'm doing it, 
RIGHT NOW
this second, 
well this second my time
not when you are reading it..
but maybe at that second i am reading this again too..
and talking about it, 
to myself..

anyways
i got side tracked..

Do you ever wonder 
"how the fuck did i get here?"








Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ass hat strikes again!

Forgive me if the formatting is off, Blogger mobile blows like that.....

Sorry for lack of posts lately, seems like I had the snark knocked outta me:(

ANYWHORE

The Mr is wearing his ass hat again... Stay tuned.. that always makes for good material:)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Skankville Overlord


Yes

 that's what i call the little town i live in... 
for those of you who live here.. you get it.

things i was doing instead of blogging:
Dealing with life.. 
I hate that shit. 
Can i just live in my blog?
oh yeah, thats right, i got 
AN AWARD!!
THANK YOU 
FOR

THAT MEANS I GET THE POWER TO CHANGE THREE THINGS...
ANY DAMN THINGS I WANT!!
that shit is hard and i have decided to take it to the streets and turn this award into.....
dun
dun 
DDDUUUUNNNN....
a series.
ha,
 i am the Overlord.
i make the damn rules.

Question is..
If you were the overlord what would you choose?
Leave a comment below, on my facebook, or find me on twitter.

Best changes get a big surprise:)





Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why the unlaws aren't inlaws

Im not married...
 Some days this truly pisses me off,
 some days its depressing, 
some days I'm SO fucking glad we aren't.

May 9th, 2010
That is the day I picked, the location was perfect, 
My dad said he wanted to see me get married, 
the wedding he always wanted to see... 
This was decided In October of '09
My dads cancer was in remission, he was working, life seemed to be getting better for us.
The MR and I talked and talked about it. 

Then he told me NO, 
glad i hadn't actually gone and paid the deposit...
We (namely me) were deflated. 
But it was still ok.
 My dad was still healthy.

My dad's cancer returned with a vengeance in March 2010..
Then  I got fucking pissed. 
My dad could be walking me down the damn isle in two months.
But because the mr said NO 
its not going to happen.
I suggested a little family ceremony, no extras...
Still no.

When my dad passed i got so ANGRY with the MR.
I felt like he stole that moment from me.
I completely understand his reasons for saying no, the logic behind his feelings.
I wish he understood the emotions behind mine.


I was talking to a good friend about this recently, 
about how much actual anger I was holding, 
and not just for the mr, 
for the daughters who take advantage of having a dad to be there for them, 
who choose to cut them out, 
who choose not to involve them.
My new years resolution it to try to forgive that anger.
I carry it like a led weight.











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