Monday, August 29, 2011

Thank you:)

First and foremost than you to you all for reading my adoption story!
I'm glad you liked it and was thrilled with all your responses!

I guess now I wanna know, things have obviously been omitted, do you guys have any unanswered questions?
Place a comment in the box, on my facebook, Twitter, or email me... I will get you answers for all of us!!
I will post questions and answers in a later post!
 if you havent you can read

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Shit I hate Sunday!

Thank you Rockin Mama
So for this edition of shit I hate Sunday:) 1. People who talk shit under their breath.. bitch I fucking hear you, hold your breath or talk a lil louder so everyone can hear. That way when I knock you the Fuck out, everyone knows why. 2. Trains. I live in a small town.. I can't get from one place to the next without having to cross train tracks. I cannot count how many times the fucking train has made me late. 3. Tardyness.... I hate when people are Fucking late... I've got better shit to do than wait for your bitchass 4. When people with no kids tell me what I'm doing wrong with mine. Fuck you bitch this is not my first rodeo. 5. People with no real grip on reality, I don't care if you think it should be another way ... maybe if you put the bong down and get a real fucking job. Time to be a fucking grown up.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The end of the beginning, and the beginning of forever...

Today we reach the end of the beginning...

Shawna was so sure that Neal would be devastated and angry that he never knew about me.... What was the word she used..

Maybe your right, but it won't be as bad as you think. Just a feeling, but my instincts are usually right on. Even with strangers

Im ready for whatever happens. Its amazing at how good it feels to let it out. I didnt realize how tightly I had been holding onto my secret.

She never really told anyone about me.. Her sister, a close friend, the man she married and one other.. She held on to this secret for 25 years.

I couldn't even imagine what it feels like. To be alone and pregnant, i was alone, but i had support of my family, friends, even strangers, with liv i was so young, and even still, i was supported. It's amazing that only a few people knew, i am sorry you had to keep that secret.

 I think I would have had the support....if I hadnt been so damn proud. I was ashamed. I was technically an adult.....but so naive....I wonder sometimes how I managed to live through that period of my life. Frankly, my friend Dee, saved me from myself...without her Im not sure I would have lived through it.

I asked if she had told Neal yet

I didnt get him on the phone again. But Id be lying if I said I wasnt a nervous wreck....and will be until I get it done. I sent him a text & he said he would call later. I have my fingers & toes crossed

The next morning I got this....

He was shocked....and thrilled. And kept telling me over & over that I could have come to him. Kept telling me he hated that I went through it alone. When I told him you were beautiful he said, of course she is....she came from you. But I think you have his eyes.

Ever the cocky bitch i replied

See i told you i was i genius. I told you he would say that.

You will get no argument from me on your status as a genius. LOL He did ask if it was ok if he told people he had a daughter. 

That's cool:-) dose he have other kids? If he want's to tell people cool with me, he can have my number and email, and there is always face book:-)

He has 2 sons 31 & 28...and 4 grandchildren. I will give him your number tomorrow. I dont have any other email for you than this. He doesnt have a computer at home, but he did say both of his boys are on facebook. As soon as I get more details I will let you know. I just had a poor girl!! All brothers!! UGH! lol

The next evening my phone rang, It was Neal, we talked for about and hour or so, or really I talked and he mostly listened. It was great. I was happy, and felt this amazing sense of relief...
Then i got anxious, and Fearful..
What have I done? what do i want out of this, can I really handle this relationship??
SO I wrote

I am not certain of what i want right now. My goal was to find out about my history, where my blood ran. I have an amazing family who loves me, and i don't doubt that you two love me, but it's hard to figure it out. I never thought any one would respond to my emails, just kinda wishful thinking. But i am so glad you did. Because not only do i have the information i was seeking, i have helped you deal with something that's been hurting you, and given joy to ya'll. I am glad i found you both. And i would love to have you be a part of my life, but i am not sure what part you guys would play. My dad is dying, and my mom is a wreck, my brother is over extended, and my kids need me. I am sure you two have your own issues to deal with. I just don't want to cause problems in your own families

 Neal has two older sons, I could only imagine how this was effecting them, or Shawna's son, who is just a year older than my daughter...

I got this in reply

He wanted me to tell you that he didnt talk much....but he will remember every word. And we both understand....this cant be easy for you. And we both agreed that we can tell you have a wonderful family, and we are so grateful for all they have given you (and we dont mean STUFF!! lol)
As far as you causing problems?....all you did was help me face my hurt & reconnect with a man I should have never walked away from. And you have made us so very happy....for someone as wordy as I am...I cant begin to find the right ones. I guess that's Neal & I both. We aren't going to bull our way into your life.....and I'll be completely honest....its hard to hold back....but neither of us wants you to go away now that you have found us. You are not a problem. And we both intend to accept whatever role you would like us to take. But always know....there are 2 more people that will support you in all you do.
I was thinking today that I would love to talk to your mom & dad or write them a letter....thank them for raising such an amazing woman. But every time I start the words dry up & I end up crying LOL I need to see someone about these damn leaky eyes I seem to have lol...

That was almost two years ago..
Since then
I have
developed a great relationship with the woman who
loved me so much
she let go,
The man who never knew about me,
but wants me anyways
 3 brothers who are amazing and give me these little window into their lives,
Started to connect with the important people in their lives.

The best part
In April i received a letter in the mail..
It was a wedding invitation..

 On May 21st, 2011
My biological parents got married

Over time and space,
25 years later
they found each other again.
I am so pleased to have involved.
And although I could not make the trip out to meet them,

A face to face meeting I'm sure is in our immediate future.

So really,
It is
The END of the beginning,
The Beginning of FOREVER.

Friday, August 26, 2011

And the story continues

After that first message, my stomach did a flip and my palms got all sweaty... Was this really happening? Did she really just confirm that she knew all these things that i knew but didn't share?? What do I do?? What do I say?? is she freaking out too?? holy cow, what did I do??
It took me a minute to get my head straight and reply...

Portland is a beautiful place. i believe you are my birth mother, i was born may 4th 1984 at emanuel hospital. I was adopted by a family from new york, but something happened and they couldn't or didn't want to keep me. my mom worked at the attorneys office that did the adoption and she was waiting for a baby, she took me instead. Her name is *** . I believe my aunt linda brought you flowers when you were in the hospital. This is kinda surreal, i have wanted to find you for a long time, but i was scared you would want to be found, or you would hate me. I hope that is not the case, but if it is. I understand.
i was pretty sure i sounded like and idiot blurting out the wrong fucking answer...

Waiting for a response was hell, i had so many questions, I wanted so many answers, what if she didn't want to talk to me.... what if she forgot about me, what if I'm not good enough, does she know my biological father? Was I a secret?? Did everyone know and just not care??

Then a response..
 Oh lord!! I am without words to express how sorry I am about the couple from New York. And I am so very grateful to your mom. All I wanted was what was best for you. I could NEVER hate you!!! The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold you....and I was so afraid of not wanting to let you go that I didn't dare. I have thought about you every day.....hoping you were happy & healthy.....hoping you had everything I couldn't give you then. I'm sitting here now typing through tears....tears of joy & happiness that you found me. I was so afraid when I got your first message...afraid that when I heard from you again you would tell me you hated me. Its been a rough couple of days waiting....but I'm so glad you wrote back. You are so beautiful!!! Seeing your picture it just amazes me!!! Thank you for finding me.
And so the conversation continued....

do you have other children?Yes, I have a son who is 12


Then I asked about my biological father... Does she still talk to him?
she replied

I haven't seen him since shortly after you were born. He was married at the time & going through a very rough patch....I'm sure I didn't make things any easier...I never told him about you. I was so ashamed & scared, I did the only thing I could think of to do. But since your first email....Ive been trying to find him. I think its only fair that I tell him. He can rain any anger down on me...but if I knew him at all....he will love you. He was such a sweetheart!! And if I had had any sense back then...I would have run away with him. But I didn't. And you paid the price. I'm so very sorry if you ever thought I didn't want you.
We talked on the phone for hours that day, she told me about my biological father, and how she came to Portland... about her son, her job, her life really... It was amazing. She said she had a friend who was tracking down my biological father and she now had his phone number and was going to call him that evening...

so did you call him....
 I talked to him for a few minutes but he was heading off to a football game, so I am going to call him in about an hour. He is just as sweet as I remember....I just hope he is forgiving too. I will let you know as soon as Ive told him.
What did ya'll talk about? Is he still married? What does he do?
 Did he seem happy to hear from you?
LOL He is divorced. He works for the state of North Carolina fixing bridges....he is a supervisor of about 10 guys. He seemed very happy to hear from me. We did the "what if game..." He should have never let me go & I should have never walked away. It was so good to hear his voice again Good, i am glad you two made a connection again after 25 years. Seems like a smart man. I hope, for both of us he is receptive, and if i am anything like either of you, he'll only be angry because you had to deal with this for so long, alone. You went through everything alone. Because there is nothing that can be changed, there is no reason for anger.
I robbed him of a choice.

And I deserve every bit of that anger.

Im gonna floor him...of that there is NO doubt

stay tuned for more exciting twists and turns!!!




Thursday, August 25, 2011

A open ended letter, and one of the biggest moments in my life to date.....

 I told you I was adopted,
 I will tell you a little about my quest to find my bith parents.
I've always wondered who my birth parents are, sometimes I was angry that I was adopted other times, not so much. But its always been an unanswered question, and I knew as soon as i turned 18 I would look, knowing that due to the circumstances surrounding my first and second adoption It would be extremely hard for my birth parents to find me....
When deciding if this was really what I wanted I had to decied if i was willing to face rejection. And not just any rejection, rejetion from a mother who never wanted me, and never wanted to find me or me her, because if she wanted me she never would have given me up.... I had to get over that.... It was alwways in the back of my mind, and it was always a fear...
That is how I started my quest... in sheer terror.
When i truned 20, i got pretty serious about finding them, my mother "the crazy bitch" worked for an attorney in the firm that handled my closed adoption so I had an advantage, she knew some pretty importand details that would have otherwise been unavailable, and she shared them with me intead of making me go the courts and have my adoption record unsealed.
I started my search online on some adoption message boards.
my post looked something like this
My name is Ashley, I was born in Portland Oregon, in May of 1984,  I was adopted at birth to a family by a family in New York,  Looking for my birth parents. My biological mother's name was ******, I was told she lived in North Carolina.
 If you know anything about my birth mother or father a responce would be appreciated. 
I also was told i could write a letter and send it to Social Security and they could forward it to her... i didnt know her current last name so that seemed like it wasnt a viable option.
So I continued posting the same message on boards for a few years then gave up at 23... Figuring Id find her later, or maybe never at all. Maybe it wall for the better, she probably didnt want to know me at all...
Then in November of 2009, I searched for her first and maden name on facebook and found 7 who were about the right age... I sent a message to each of them that went like this:
My name is Ashley I was adopted in may of 1984... Looking for my birth parents. If you know or dont know what I am talking about, a responce would be appreciated.
The next morning 4 outta 7 resopnded with
"Im sorry, but I am not her, good luck in your search"
Two days later on November 3rd, 2009, i got this
I am Shawna. I gave my daughter up in May 1984. It was in Oregon. Are you her?
I was told the adopting parents lived in New York state.
When I was pregnant I went to a park in Portland where you can see all of the mountaintops from. It was beautiful there.

I was shocked, to say the least. I didn't give that information..

A little more a little later...


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The thing that happened that one time, or it didnt... i dont know

Ok, so some shit about me, and why i am the who I am....

I was adopted, not once, but TWICE.  It was never a secret in our house, it was always common knowledge to my brother and I... Maybe that's where my parents fucked up..
I don't know. We will get to their failings a little later in this post...

I was born in Portland, Oregon. I was adopted at birth by a family in New York that already had 2 biological children, or so i was told, i don't know why but when i was 6 weeks old the attorney that handled my adoption got a call saying that they decided i was not right for their family(kinda like a puppy with a bad temperament i guess) so the attorney asked his paralegal who was waiting to adopt another baby if her and her husband would care for me till they could place me.. I learned later that my birth mother never knew any of this happened.... She said yes, and they decided to keep me:) Which was a plus for them because the baby they were waiting to adopt, was kept by the birth mother.

Fast Forward....
 I was a baby, i didn't know what the hell was going on and really i only remember bits and pieces of shit till i was about 5 or 6 but that's not what this is about........ Even though I'm not even sure what this is about....


Moving on.....
At about the age 10 i started realizing the only time my mom wanted anything to do with my brother and I, was when she threw a dinner party, or had a friend over or went places.... We were the perfect, blond haired, blue eye accessories... of course i didn't know exactly that, but as i look back it was pretty fucking obvious...

Life moved on and figured that bitch out.. it was all about her, and when It wasn't, she'd manipulate the situation till it was... at 12, i got a bit rebellious, so instead of talking, you know, Communication,
She decided she didn't need to deal with me any more and shipped me off to a relative 4 and a half hours away... All the while pretending she was the victim, and i was such a horrible child that she was forced to send me a way... I will admit i was a handful, but not enough to send a way... ( i have a 12 year old daughter, no matter what she did or does the best place for her is here, with me, to guide her and love her through the rough spots.)

i don't think i will ever forgive her for pawing me off on some one else to deal with....
After i loved with family for abut 9 months, I broke my arm pretty bad and by this time my dad had had enough, my mom was a bitch and his daughter was coming home.... he drove up to get me that night and bring me home.

A week after i got home my mom dropped me up town to get my meds... I met up with a few old friends and that is all i remember from that day...... 6 weeks later i was pregnant...i was only alone with one guy... i know i told him no.... but he had sex with me anyways.

My mom said she didn't believe me, that i was just a dirty whore. I said i wanted an abortion, i didn't want this thing  inside me. I didn't want to not know how it got there... She said no, she said adoption is they right thing or parenting this child... i made my bed now i must lie in it....

I will never forgiver her for not listening to me, because i know she heard me....

I gave birth to my beautiful daughter in December of my freshman year of high school....
To me, she meant love it a hateful world, she was my everything, she still is....
To my mom, she was a means to control and manipulate me... another accessory.....

And so my life went on, As i grew older she got worse..
She threatened my dad with divorce,  if you choose your daughter over me again i will leave you...

My dad was not without fault, but no matter what was going on, he was ALWAYS available for me, i wasn't just some thing he could show off... or use... he loved me..

My parents hated each other and the tension in our house was palpable...

Ive been in therapy for 10 years.... I had to know that this is not how relationships work.. I'm at Peace with what has happened in my life, or not happened, or the things i just imagined to escape.....

I have given forgiveness, and asked for it...

but there are things I will never forgive
I will never forgiver her for not listening to me, because i know she heard me....
I will never forgive her for sending me away
I will never forgive her for the things she said to to my dad before he died
I will never forgive her for not being around and putting herself in front of her children

I am accountable for my own actions,  my emotional trauma....
i am not responsible for hers....
Guilty consciences are a BITCH,

But even though all these things are true to me,
I am thankful she did all of them,

 I know what not to do,
I value my children above myself,
I would give any and everything to make them happy,
I will learn from her mistakes

I will love my self,
I will be proud of that one thing that happened that one time...

Monday, August 22, 2011


OK, to make ends meet, because bitch is fucking lazy, my mother decided she needed to rent a room in her house to a stranger.... so she put an ad on Craigslist no less.... She did not HAVE to get a roommate if she chose to get off her ass and work... she has a job and HAD a client base. But this stupid wench decided that she is too good to work.... hence the ad...
She now gets pissed at me because I will not let my kids over to her house without me while the fucking caveman she rented a room to is there.... all I hear is "but he's a nice guy" and "well I did a criminal background check"..... SERIOUSLY!!! HE IS A FUCKING STRANGER.... LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE....
Am I over reacting? Fuck no!
Thoughts opinions?

Friday, August 19, 2011

Blog Stalk FRIDAY

THIS IS ONE BAD BITCH..... im pretty sure i wanna grow up nd be just like her.... yeah fucking right.... She's got balls though... and she shares my love of CUPCAKES and COFFEE....

True Life: I'm a MOMMY blogger

brought to you by

True life: I am a MOMMY blogger,
In reality I'm a stay at home mom to three amazingly wonderful children, except when they aren't so wonderful or amazing.....

My Oldest Liv, is approaching 13 and honestly I'm surprised shes lived so long.... don't get me wrong, i LOVE this girl will every ounce of me.. but turns out she is her mothers daughter.. lol. But really, shes a much better kid than i ever was. She is a straight A student, she is a star athlete, she volunteers at our community food bank, she works with me on my cancer advocacy projects. She will go so far in life, if she could just reign in that attitude.....

My one and only son, Aiden is almost 9... Yikes how the years have flown. He is my dreamer, his head in the clouds always thinking of ways to explore his imagination. One moment he is a pirate, the next he is a doctor, a para-trooper, a marine, a navy seal, a pilot of a fighter plane, or he is on a shuttle to the moon. I love my little man, he is caring, and shows compassion and love for any and all.  

That brings me to Mason, the baby that we didn't think we would have, that is another story yet to be written. Mason is generally my Tuesday blog headliner Haven't seen TINY TERRORIST TUESDAY? You should definitely check it out:) There is also a bit about her here. In this picture she is sweet as pie... don't let that fool you. We call her MAYHEM for a reason. She is very loving, in fact this weekend she said something that just melted my heart when Liv was out on the beach and Mase was in the house with me, she said
 "i will hold Livia's hug in my heart till she come in"
generally she is throwing toys hitting kids and running crazy.
Her favorite game is hide and seek, whether she is playing with her siblings or just hiding stuff for you to find, like bank cards, daddy's wallet, keys and cell phones.

I love these little humans and look forward to sharing more about them

Thursday, August 18, 2011


yes bitches im fucking late....


MY Mr. he loves me:) he loves my big kids like they are his flesh and blood, it takes a special type of man to raise someone elses kids with the amount of love and respect he does. And he's fine... way too fucking sexy.... and he is all MINE!!!!

My littles.... I love them, even when my patience is thin:) They melt my heart daily, I love them.

I spent this lovely thursday evening with my FAMILY at the county fair, for that i am the most thankful.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Can you be Gentile.... Its my first time

this bad bitch has done it.....

 Destiny @ ROCKIN MAMA HAS officially 


The Rules after accepting the Versatile Blogger Award are:

• Thank the person who gave you the award & link back to them in your post.
• Share 7 things about yourself.
• Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs

1. I am a stay at home mom to three kids,
 i love my job even though it is the hardest thing I've ever done.
2. I love books, any and all of them!
they are my escape and my quiet place.
 When i read a book its like a movie in my head.
3. I participate in  Relay For Life
a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society.
4. I am an advocate.
This year I got the governor of Oregon to Proclaim the month of April
Esophageal Cancer Awareness Month
 in the state of Oregon, I am also working on a national level Raise awareness.... Check out the I can Tab on my page for more info:)
5. I love my unlaws:)
yes i said UN-LAWS My man and i are not married yet...
 that story is too long, maybe someday i will blog about it...
6. I love to take pictures
 but i hate being in them.
7. I'm proud of who i am and where i am,
even when I'm not so proud of the things i did to get here

now 15 bitches you should be following
From mommy to Calm Insanity

so i got 8 outta 15....

Friday, August 12, 2011

Vacation love:)

It's Friday beezeys! And I'm on vacation! Woot mother fuckin Woot! Today in the spirit vacations, here is a list of vacation trials and triumphs! Why the hell do my little monsters get up at 7(@home they sleep till 9).. seriously brats, you kept me up till 1 and you wake up before I have coffee? Your lucky I love you:) I <3 vacation sex, it would be even better if our walls weren't quite so thin, strangers staring the next morning is both amusing and disturbing.... Utter lack of schedule, this is both good and bad, I love having no plans and be free to do anything, I do not however love the two hour family meeting trying to figure out what the well to do... I love that my kids actually play well together on vacation, the leave the sibling rivalry at home! And the list goes on! What are your favorite vacation do's and don'ts? Much love Bitches from the OREGON COAST!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I bitch A LOT! IF you dont like it... oh well:) you can take a long walk off a short cliff.

will now be
 here on Random Thoughts Of a Mad White Woman

Things I am thankful for this week include but are not limited too:
Coffee and Creamer:
without which i would really be a royal BITCH
 They make my world go round, they my be little brats, but they are my little brats
For all our issues, i still wouldn't trade him for the world,
 He loves me even when I'm a BITCH
I am thankful that Mr.Man Works his ass off so I can have the best job in the world,
Being a mommy.
They love me, and my kids even though they don't have too.
They support me and the things I am passionate about.
I cant say that about my own family.
Old ones and new ones,
for your love and support,
laughter and tears,
bad jokes and memories.

Most of all
I am thankful to be who I am,
Life hasn't always been rainbows and unicorns
but i survived,
and i am loved.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011


They are tricky little things... you get to see the world to your bed. You can live out fantasies, explore your hopes and dreams... Make time stop.... They can be ugly, or beautiful... Terrifying or enlightening.... Last dream I remember, Standing on a cliff, in a wedding gown on a grey day overlooking the ocean. All I can hear is the Beatles singing Blackbird.... the wind is blowing and my dad is holding my hand.... I look to him and he is gone...

Tiny Terrorist Tuesday

OK, so I think yesterday was just not my day... I lost my bank card... searched my freaking house inside and out, upfreakingside down and it was no where.. tore up everything leaving a giant mess that would take me longer than the 4 freaking hours it took me to destroy my house. i even bribed my children to help me find it... it was hidden. Mason i am noticing is looking guilty as hell..
I ask this little monster,
"have you seen Mommy's card like this?" showing her my mans card...
"yeah, Its hiding" she says...

Seriously??? WTF!!! She had placed it in the return vent in the hallway....

So 5 hours and a destroyed house later.. I have my bank card back in my purse and my purse where I'm pretty sure this tiny terrorist cannot get to it with out a bomb or a grappling hook...

But this little brat is not done....
A few hours later I'm getting ready to cook dinner....
Mind you mason is three and cannot go to the bathroom alone for fear she will destroy our only bathroom,

I go out to the garage  to tell the man dinner is started and to wrap things up so we can eat..


/mason has to go to the bathroom and my oldest Olivia, who is in the house with mason and is perfectly capeable of handling this bathroom situation doesn't want to bother and sends the monster away.. saying
"Hold it, mom will be in a minute"
 i walk into the entry way from the back and flick off flip flops and proceed to turn the corner and go into the house....

There is a GIANT puddle of pee....
Right there, at the top of the stairs,
I FUCKING slipped....
ass in a giant puddle of pee, and flew down a half a flight of stairs.. 
im pretty sure my DAUGHTER just tried to kill me.

Monday, August 8, 2011

missing you...

the best man i ever knew

I am missing him today.

i totaly started out having somethng epic to share... but then i got distracted. I looked up and saw this photo and was reminded that i fucking miss him.
I hate the fact that he is gone,
I fucking hate that he's missing some of the coolest stuff ive ever done.
I fucking hate that he didnt get to go to my daughters first play,
I fucking hate that my youngest has so few memories with him.
I fucking hate that the only person who loved me and fucking gave a shit is

I love my dad.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Shit I hate Sunday...

Shit I Hate Sunday
Slow ass drivers.....
All I can hear is
Holy shit could you be more uncomfortable
Unsolicited Advice...
If I wanted to hear from you I would remove my hands from your neck.
 My dad died on a Sunday, glad it wasn't fucking Friday.
Running out of coffee and or creamer...
This should be punishable by death.
Fussy bitches....

True life: I'm a NEW Blogger

I'm pretty much a cranky bitch... I blog about whatever whenever. I have a tendency to offend, I don't really care. You love me or you hate me, and thats ok, I probably don't like you EITHER. I'm a new Blogger, SO it should be an interesting journey...

Saturday, August 6, 2011

My white knight is just a retard in tin foil.....

Yeah.... what she said...

I do not understand moving on like nothing happened, 
I have a vagina, therefore we must talk about it...
You can not expect sex and ass kissing will be a sufficient apology,
if you do you really are that stupid.

Yeah sex and ass kissing are great it does not solve our problems and totally avoids any and all communication besides grunting, moaning and the phrase "yeah, I'm sure"

People say communication is key, well I'm pretty sure you lost your keys some where along the way. Better find 'em.

I'm a chick, i over communicate... you know by yelling and crying... you could at least do the same. I would totally enjoy a good freak out estrogen style, just make sure i have the video camera out so i can later post your bitchy ass on YouTube.

In all fairness I'm a bitch.. its kinda my thing.

SO how did we get here you ask?? you are an ass hat... and I'm pretty sure you piss me off on purpose, or I'm just a cranky bitch... either way i can make this your fault..

Just Sayin...

Friday, August 5, 2011

Nice try, but I'm not biting....

Morning sex is good, half asleep morning sex even better....
It will not, however, undo the damage and get you outta the damn dog house.
Do the fucking dishes, clean the damn house and make my ass dinner... that's a good fucking start. 
Or how about,
Stop being such a fussy bitch and we won't even have a problem.
Learn your place and stay there.
Note to all you fussy Bitches out there,
Soon you will learn,
you are not the head bitch,
Have a spectacularly bitchin day:)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

And it goes in... Bahahaha on!

Sitting here thinking, while my kids are probably wrecking my house, how many of my friends are really that good of friends........

When life takes us by surprise...

Life has a tendency to sneak up on us when we least expect it too...

I have been thinking alot lately about where I ended up in life, and where I thought I'd be. im pretty sure Im not the only one who does this.

If you could ask the 10 year old me where she would like to be in 15 or 20 years she would say, Id be an astronaut or a doctor, married with a family...

If you asked the 15 year old me where i would be in 10 or 15 years, she would say done with college, with a job that could support my daughter and I comfortably...

If you asked the 20 year old me where she would be in the next 5 or 10 years, she"d say anywhere I could be who I am without judgement, to parent my kids and to have a job that will support them..

Well here i am 27 years old, 3 kids, no income and utterly defeated.

I had my oldest child my freshman year of high school.. She will be 13 in December. My life changed. My goals changed... Life snuck up on me. I was a terrible parent to my daughter, I was unavailable, i was gone a lot and i had no idea what i was supposed to be doing...

I had my second child just outta high school at 18, my son will be 9 in October. I wasn't as bad of a parent when he came around, not even close to running mom of the year.... Made more bad choices, put my son in some dangerous situations, then i think i figured it out... After working and supporting my son and a dead weight boyfriend, i got myself evicted from my apartment to get my self outta a very bad relationship and moved back home with my parents.... Life snuck up on me....

I ran around, I worked my ass off, played with my kids I enjoyed being a single parent, with the help of my mom and my dad my kids had everything and more...

I met a guy... i was in no shape or form to start a relationship I made that clear..... Guess what......

 life snuck up on me...
i fell and i fell hard...

i had finally met my match.. My balance.
He loved me, he loved my kids he wasn't supposed to be able to have his own so it was a match made in heaven... that was 5 years ago.
I moved out of may parents house 4 months later and he moved in with me about 6 months after that...

Then a year later life snuck up on me again and we were pregnant....
i had my youngest at 24 and she is a monster....

Co-parenting has proven difficult as has co-habitation......

this is not where i saw my life going... i didn't want any of this..

But now that i have it...

I dont want anything else.

Sometimes you have to roll with the punches to get to the good stuff....
The latest blow was hard...
Our Relationship is broken and its not that important to either of us to fix it.

Life snuck up on me...
I'm curious to see where we will go from here..

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


I fully belive in discresion when I share our issues with my friends when looking to get perspective and make sure i am not over reacting to our say i dont need to share anything, you say fuck it, dont even talk to anyone...
 fine, i wont talk i'll blog about it,
that will teach you,
 i"ll share your douche baggery with the world!!!

First of all, my man works hard, he goes to work, he comes home and works some more... he works his ass hard to give us what we need and what we want. There is no question that he does his best... he is amazing.

I am a stay at home mom, I take care of my house, I take care of my kids, i take care of him, im a maid, a cook, a nurse, a refree, a personal assistant, a therapist... i am on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year...
 But some how,
I dont do enough,
good enough...

oh well.

 Im not sure I care what you think I do or dont do...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I'm pretty sure i am a terrible parent... The baby is always dirty.... and by dirty i mean covered in dirt... ALWAYS! Rain or Shine, she wears pretty much the same thing every day, sun dress and rain boots... She is mean and rude, she will tell you she hates you and that you are stupid. punishment doesn't work, she laughs... I've tried, redirection??? Yeah, right... redirect her to destroy something else... Her name is Mayhem.... OOPS, i mean Mason.. She is my tiny terrorist, she is three. God Help me!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Taking Advantage....

Dear person who shall be named later(I promise),
In truth, your kind of a bitch....

First And Formost.......

Take advantage of every opportunity, Take nothing for granted.....
Your life is what you make it, so live it to the fullest and don't let anyone tell you how you should live it....
Friends will come and go, and family is forever, To those friends i consider family..... You are loved.
Kids are the future, treat them with respect, give them guidance and love, instill strong beliefs, that knowledge and sense of self are everything, and you are what you want to be.
You only go as far as you push yourself...... so set your sights on the sky and touch the stars...

My Name is Ashley,
I'm crazy...
I have a lot to say,

If you don't like it, don't read it, if you think its about you, it probably is.
from here on out i will be uncensored and rude, deal with it.

I have 3 kids whom i love, a man who i love some times and a family filled with wackos who probably should live in padded rooms...

you will get to know us all very well..