Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why the unlaws aren't inlaws

Im not married...
 Some days this truly pisses me off,
 some days its depressing, 
some days I'm SO fucking glad we aren't.

May 9th, 2010
That is the day I picked, the location was perfect, 
My dad said he wanted to see me get married, 
the wedding he always wanted to see... 
This was decided In October of '09
My dads cancer was in remission, he was working, life seemed to be getting better for us.
The MR and I talked and talked about it. 

Then he told me NO, 
glad i hadn't actually gone and paid the deposit...
We (namely me) were deflated. 
But it was still ok.
 My dad was still healthy.

My dad's cancer returned with a vengeance in March 2010..
Then  I got fucking pissed. 
My dad could be walking me down the damn isle in two months.
But because the mr said NO 
its not going to happen.
I suggested a little family ceremony, no extras...
Still no.

When my dad passed i got so ANGRY with the MR.
I felt like he stole that moment from me.
I completely understand his reasons for saying no, the logic behind his feelings.
I wish he understood the emotions behind mine.

I was talking to a good friend about this recently, 
about how much actual anger I was holding, 
and not just for the mr, 
for the daughters who take advantage of having a dad to be there for them, 
who choose to cut them out, 
who choose not to involve them.
My new years resolution it to try to forgive that anger.
I carry it like a led weight.