Tuesday, November 15, 2011

YAY for good intentions!!!

this is us:) we <3 each other

 the last few years, for Christmas, she has gotten me a gift certificate to a great spa for a massage.. last year was a tough year for me... A lot of stress, loss and heart ache. A massage was exactly what i needed...Last year my massage was awesome!! it was warm and cozy, completely and utterly relaxing,this year she got me another massage at the same place, but it was a different kind, it was a Rain Shower massage... sounds great right??
 this is what i imagined being like, since this is what the website portrayed it as..
Looks all warm, cozy, and relaxing Right???
that's what i thought too...
little did i know when i walked into the salon, my life would change 

My sis un law and my mom un law
went this Sunday for our respective treatments
i knew i was in trouble when i walked into,
essentially a giant shower, 
a COLD tile room, 
I kind of expected it, because it IS
RAIN SHOWER massage,
The midget masseuse,
(i say midget because i am short.. like 5'3" and this chick was way shorter than i)
Says go a head take your robe off and get under the blankets..
by blankets she meant a towel, sheet and light blanket.
did I say this room is 
COLD, like frigid.
So i do as im told.
The the proceeded to torture me.
45 minutes of the worst,
 most painful,massages should have a little pain, its necessary to get the knots out,
incomplete, she couldn't complete any long strokes cause she was short and didn't think to lower the table(did i mention she was really short?),
COLD, that room was freezing!!
all i can think is
"is this almost over?"
and then it was:)
well at least that part..
 She says
"ok im going to get set up for the rain shower part"
all i can think is i hope this water is warm.
about 5 min of laying there, she is almost ready
She removes the sheet and blanket and folds the towel to cover my butt.. mostly.
now im really freezing.
She tests the water by putting her finger over the hose and sprays me with 
OMG, what the hell is going to happen to me..

Then it started..
I was pinned to the table by high pressure jets
from my head to the tips of my toes.
by the end of the 15 min
"rain shower"
i couldn't feel my feet
i couldn't see
I had to clench my bladder to make sure i wasn't pissing myself.
and i felt like i was drowning.
I couldn't move anything, 
the pressure pinned my entire body to the table.

Wikipedia describes water boarding as " a form of torture in which water is poured over the face of an immobilized captive, thus causing the individual to experience the sensation of drowning."
Although i was face down... this is exactly what this 
Felt like.

finally she is done,
She hands me a towel and says be careful the floor is wet

"UH... YA think??"
i walk out of the torture chamber,
i mean room,
 to my sister UN law and her masseuse
 im pretty sure i looked like this

 YEAH... good times.
I"m pretty sure she tried to kill me
or not.
what she doesn't know,
well she will cause she reads this