Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Giving thanks, adoption story questions answered:)

Today I am giving thanks to my birth parents. 
Thank you for loving me enough to let me go, 
and loving me for who I have become.

If you haven't read my adoption story
you can read

These are a few of the questions I was asked

1. Does your mother read your blog?
This was asked by an anonymous comment-er, so i was unable to ask if they meant my Birth mother or my Adoptive mother... My Birth mother does read my blog and comment, I do not know if my adoptive mother reads this, i do however have many family members who do, my adoptive brother, grandmother ext..

2. What was your parents' reaction to you wanting to find your birth parents?
My dad didn't really have a reaction, he just asked me if I was happy, and to him that was all that mattered. My mom, reacted a little differently, at first she was nervous, then a little spiteful. She tried to encourage me to meet them, but kind of backhandedly.. "If that was so important for you to find them, meeting them should be easy" she said.. so not true. She likes to tell the story her way, and share it even though it is not HER story to tell or share. That to me was extremely upsetting and it felt like a complete violation of my trust and privacy.

3. Is it awkward?
This question is really a yes and no kinda answer. 
Yes, building any relationship is awkward at times.. It is weird to be an outsider, trying to find a place where you could possibly fit into a family who never knew you existed.  I am sure for Neal and Shawnal it is equally awkward to get to know me as an adult and then to read my blog and get glimpses into why I am who I am.
and no, because it all seems as it was meant to be, all the words seem to come easy, and I feel so much a part of their world and family. I have been able to talk to all three of my brothers, a few aunts, and even a great aunt. Every one is very thankful, and completely accepting of me. It is amazing the amount of love this experience has brought into my life.
The first time i was called "Sister" weird.

4.What similarities have you found that you have with your biological parents despite not being raised by them?
This is probably my favorite question, and one of the most asked:) 
Shawna and I share a TON of personality traits,  procrastination, snarkyness, we are both hard headed and stubborn, quick to protect what we hold dear. Shawna calls it "the warrior mentality", we both have severe ADHD.. in fact this post has taken me weeks to freaking finish.. she made up a word, smartassiness.. it fits.
Neal and I are both vivid dreamers and master procrastinators(i was doomed on productivity from the beginning) , we have the same eyes.. its so weird to actually really look like someone. We are both loyal to a fault.
Apparently my brothers and i are all very alike, i share many personality traits with them,  we are all smartasses, hilarious, fierce, apparently the oldest brother and I have nearly identical thought processes, we both know about that the one thing, that happened that one time, that everyone else seemed to miss. We are ALWAYS right.. Shawna says, Adamant in our rightness... its cause we are GENIUSES! and we talk.. A LOT. She says there is a "sharpness"  to the humor we all share.  
I think there are a ton of things we share, and it is still very new. 

5.Did you go to the wedding?!
Unfortunately NO, I was unable to make the trip. My brother did however send me pictures in real time. 
This is a photo at the wedding of my birth family.
Sorry boys for not asking permission.


 6. I wanted to know if you've gotten to meet your birth parents yet or not?
this is THE most asked question, I was hoping by the time I wrote this i would be able to answer YES. 
But I'm afraid the answer is no, I have not met them face to face... yet. 
My hope for the New Year is that i will get to meet them all in 2012.
Until then, its phone calls, emails, Facebook and letters. 

Thank you All for reading this very special story.
I promise i will write more.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Google Key words...

The following phrases have brought people here:

stick man drinking shut the fuck up
know that i would
the feeling that there is
mr 11 stupid
the mr is stupid
stupid bitches

who the fuck Google's this shit anyways...

The hard stuff.... and giving thanks for it.

First I would like to wish you all a
 Happy Thanksgiving, 
I am so thankful ya'll take the time to read my blog:) 
I love all my bloggy bitches and tweeps!!

Today I am talking tough stuff... for me, maybe not you.

This is the second Thanksgiving with out my dad.
It sucks.
As i write this it has been 
484 days
11616 hours
41817600 seconds
Since hes been gone.
Every day is a struggle to get through.

He had Esophageal Cancer.
I fucking HATE Cancer.

But this is about being 

I am thankful for every extra moment i got with him.
I am thankful that he waited for me
I am thankful for the relationship he had with my Oldest 
I am thankful all of my kids got to meet him.
I am def sad that my brothers future kids wont get that opportunity.
I am thankful for his unconditional love, support and encouragement.
I am thankful he showed me what a real man is.

My dad loved me
He loved me when I didn't even think I could be love myself.  
When I was un-loveable,
 he loved me. 
He believed in my dreams, 
he never once told me I couldn't accomplish anything, 
matter of fact he told me no dream I had would be

Even if he didn’t like what I was doing 
he supported me regardless.
 My Dad was larger than life to me.
 He could fix a broken heart with a hug,
 put me in my place by a look
not ever did he let me down.

He is my hero, 
 it didn't matter if it was taking me fishing at the cabin, 
or picking me up at school,
 breaking his elbows so I didn't get hurt, driving 4 hours and picking me up in the middle of the night cause I broke my arm

I can say my dad died proud of me. 
Proud of the daughter
 who wasn't always the best daughter in the world,
but he still loved me. 
Proud of the person
I have become because of him, 
proud of the mother I am 
I had a
father like him.
 In the end,
 he waited for me.
 Because he loved me
 and he knew 
with out a doubt, 
that I loved him.

My sister un law sent me this poem while he was Ill,
i shared it with him, 
he loved it.


Near a shady wall a rose once grew, 
Budded and blossomed in God's free light, 
Watered and fed by the morning dew, 
Shedding it's sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall, 
Slowly rising to loftier height, 
It came to a crevice in the wall 
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength 
With never a thought of fear or pride, 
It followed the light through the crevice's length 
And unfolded itself on the other side. 

The light, the dew, the broadening view 
Were found the same as they were before, 
And it lost itself in beauties new, 
Breathing it's fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve 
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive-- 
The rose still grows beyond the wall, 

Scattering fragrance far and wide 
Just as it did in days of yore, 
Just as it did on the other side, 
Just as it will forevermore.

~ A. L. Frink ~ 
last November, after all my roses died,
 i looked outside and saw one new bloom.
My dad loved those roses,
I looked at that and smiled in my heart.
I know he was smiling at me,
I see you,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

YAY for good intentions!!!

this is us:) we <3 each other

 the last few years, for Christmas, she has gotten me a gift certificate to a great spa for a massage.. last year was a tough year for me... A lot of stress, loss and heart ache. A massage was exactly what i needed...Last year my massage was awesome!! it was warm and cozy, completely and utterly relaxing,this year she got me another massage at the same place, but it was a different kind, it was a Rain Shower massage... sounds great right??
 this is what i imagined being like, since this is what the website portrayed it as..
Looks all warm, cozy, and relaxing Right???
that's what i thought too...
little did i know when i walked into the salon, my life would change 

My sis un law and my mom un law
went this Sunday for our respective treatments
i knew i was in trouble when i walked into,
essentially a giant shower, 
a COLD tile room, 
I kind of expected it, because it IS
RAIN SHOWER massage,
The midget masseuse,
(i say midget because i am short.. like 5'3" and this chick was way shorter than i)
Says go a head take your robe off and get under the blankets..
by blankets she meant a towel, sheet and light blanket.
did I say this room is 
COLD, like frigid.
So i do as im told.
The the proceeded to torture me.
45 minutes of the worst,
 most painful,massages should have a little pain, its necessary to get the knots out,
incomplete, she couldn't complete any long strokes cause she was short and didn't think to lower the table(did i mention she was really short?),
COLD, that room was freezing!!
all i can think is
"is this almost over?"
and then it was:)
well at least that part..
 She says
"ok im going to get set up for the rain shower part"
all i can think is i hope this water is warm.
about 5 min of laying there, she is almost ready
She removes the sheet and blanket and folds the towel to cover my butt.. mostly.
now im really freezing.
She tests the water by putting her finger over the hose and sprays me with 
OMG, what the hell is going to happen to me..

Then it started..
I was pinned to the table by high pressure jets
from my head to the tips of my toes.
by the end of the 15 min
"rain shower"
i couldn't feel my feet
i couldn't see
I had to clench my bladder to make sure i wasn't pissing myself.
and i felt like i was drowning.
I couldn't move anything, 
the pressure pinned my entire body to the table.

Wikipedia describes water boarding as " a form of torture in which water is poured over the face of an immobilized captive, thus causing the individual to experience the sensation of drowning."
Although i was face down... this is exactly what this 
Felt like.

finally she is done,
She hands me a towel and says be careful the floor is wet

"UH... YA think??"
i walk out of the torture chamber,
i mean room,
 to my sister UN law and her masseuse
 im pretty sure i looked like this

 YEAH... good times.
I"m pretty sure she tried to kill me
or not.
what she doesn't know,
well she will cause she reads this 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Blog Stalk Funny Friday


Go Check out all the kick ass Blogs linked up!!!

YES Bitches
I wanna be 

has a friday funny link up:)

This funny is not HILARIOUS
 but it was pretty funny,
it came from my mother un law...
 and it holds true to her son!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Stupid Bitch Strikes again

For a little background on the relationship between the stupid bitch and I,

A little history on why i dont really like her around my littles 


I thought the stupid bitch was doing OK,
 and i was making an effort to play nice, so i was allowing visits with all the kids, even with mayhem an hour or so every week. Even though  the Mr strictly forbade. She is my big kids only living grandparent... 

So Saturday while i was at work she ask if the two big kids could spend the night, its been a while since either of them have and i was in a good mood so I sad ok, that would be fine.

So far so good right???
Not so much....

I get a call @ 8:45 Saturday night from Liv, i figure it was just a goodnight call since i had not seen them all day...
that was not the case.
She says
"Mom, you need to come get us now..."
"wha??? why , is every thing ok"
"NO, you just need to come get us now!!"
my mother takes my daughters cell phone a proceeds to tell me my aunt beat her up, unprovoked, pushed her, followed her, and choked her and threw her on the ground

So i get in the car and drive the 6 blocks to my moms house....

i get there and all is quiet and orderly,
Stupid bitch does have a gash on her arm, and by looking at my littles i am certain 
along the lines of what the stupid bitch said
Was it unprovoked? At this point i wasn't sure, 
but i did have my suspicions 
that the stupid bitch did in fact provoke this attack... 

the best part of the whole thing...
My 12 year old daughter witnessed the entire event.
YAY!! for Grown ups.

i grab my kids, tell them to get into the car.
I asked politely 
"What did you do"
Then she gets all huffy cause this bitch is ALWAYS the victim..
she starts crying like thats gonna work

I had to point out that until facts said otherwise she was guilty as hell and deserved what ever happened to her..
That was always her stance when ever anything happened to me..
Even rape.
but i digress...

i get in the car, and leave after informing her that it was my lapse in judgment that my kids were even there, and that would never happen again.

As soon as i pull out of the drive way, 
Liv says
"Grandma started the whole thing, Aunt soandso
walked away and gma followed her"

yeah i figured as much.

I call my aunt and ask if she is OK, and all she is worried about is Olivia, not her, not my mom, but the child who witnessed the event. 
The stupid bitch didn't even think of her grand daughter.... 
She worried about her.
My aunt won big points that night,
for beating the stupid bitch,
For showing genuine concern for the ones truly affected.

I feel bad for the both of them, it was an unfortunate event and both parties are guilty.

The next day liv was hanging out with nana, the stupid bitch's mother, my grandmother....
She told olivia, not once or twice, but three times
"shut the fuck up"
"shut her fucking mouth"
"shut your stupid fucking mouth"

Stupid Bitch is really stupid...

Cant wait to see her on the street.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

PHAT bitches stick together:)

the goddess
over at
Is doing Jillian Michaels 

misadventures of a chunky goddess
wants every one to look as beautiful as they feel 
She is giving away not one but TWO 
Jillian Michaels DVD's
in her 
"Gettin Shredded Giveaway!"

Show this bad bitch some love!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's OK..

Its Ok Thursdays

A new link up for me:) yay!!
Thank you 
Neely @ A complete waste of make up
Amber @ Brunch with Amber

It's OK

...To wanna be blogfamous

... To call out liars, seriously, you think people believe you??
... To feel pain, being "The strong one" isn't all its cracked up to be

... To love your self, people think this is selfish, when really if you cant love your self, your incapable of loving anyone else

... To walk away

... To laugh inappropriately

... To feel uncomfortable in your own skin

... To throw temper tantrums

... to wear Jammies all day

... To not be OK every day

... To put off house work to have a tea party with the little and 7 of her closest stuffed animals:)

Its OK to just BE

What's OK with you this Thursday??