Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Fuck you and your opinion...

Being a preteen/teen age girl sucks...
My daughter will be thirteen in a few months.. yikes


She has some completely normal body image issues, frankly im pretty surprised they arent worse..
When i was her age i put on about 10 lbs right befor i started my first period, and another 10in the first 3 or four months after. I started loosing it about a year after..

My daughter seems to be following the same course and after speaking with olivia and her peditrician, because the weight gain bothered her, this is very normal for puberty. and in alot of cases nessicarry.

My daughter has since become extremely self concious. She is built simailary to her patternal grandmother, who is a beautiful woman. But olivia, like me, is destined to have a flat butt and larger than normal breasts. She is active, she eats well, and she is loved. She has some very supportive and positive female role modles and she still struggles.
I wish i could tell her that she will aout grow it, but really even as an adult i struggle with the same issues. Sometimes i hate being in my own, streched out, flabby, doughy skin. I feel her pain.
This morning as we were discussing the hardships of being a teen girl, i pointed out that body image issues do not just affect girls and women, but boys and men too. She thought about it, and agreed that it is probably equally distressing. then she said something that chilled me to the core...
She said
"i dont want to grandma's house anymore"
WTF?? where did that come from??
"grandma always says, i need to do MORE sit ups,
eat way less, and i should probably go on a diet"
"if your telling me as long as im healthy and happy, then those other things dont matter, but grandma says it EVERY TIME I SEE HER"
I told her if she didnt want to go, she didnt have to. and if she wanted me to i would talk to her grandma was about how what she was saying was hurtful.

Moving on, later this afternoon, i stopped by the house to have this discussion with her.
I told her what olivia said, and how i am teaching her to view her body as beautiful.... imperfectly perfect.
I expressed my concern that what she was doing and saying was hurting olivias feelings..
"don't worry about it, she will get over it"
was her reply...

Seriously?? i told her that being negitive and condecending wasnt helping her learn to love her body, it was helping to create an even deeper issue. As a lady who has been overweight for most of hy life if not hers, it was kinda funny... She hated being fat, and never did anything about it, so she hated us. it was just how it was.. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me cause i could never be a size smaller than a 6, my hips were just a little too big, or i could never wear anything smailler than a large shirt cause my boobs were just too big..

I told my mother I will not be forcing my daughter into situations where the people who should love her unconditionally judge her and put her down.

funny thing is, im pretty sure she doesnt even care..

I am teaching my daughter
 first impressions are importaint,
Looks fade,
knowledge grows
she is
and no matter who she chooses to be or what she looks like,


Anonymous said...

Sorry that she has to go through that its tough being a teenage girl...and family should be there for encouragement and support! So sad her grandma is like that...your doing a good job mama!

Unknown said...

Wow, that is sad. She's so beautiful, and those early teenage years are so awkward, she doesn't need to hear that. Those are things that girls NEVER forget. Especially from a family member. I hope your Mom realizes that her actions are going to put a major strain on her relationship with Liv. Especially since Liv is seriously gorgeous! You're gonna need a stick here pretty soon to beat the boys away... or a shotgun, whichever you prefer! ;)

Chrissy said...

Good for you for saying exactly how you feel about your mom's comments to your daughter. I think you are teaching your daughter one of the most important things she will ever need to be a happy healthy adult woman. Good for you!!

Cyn said...

OMGosh I was having an almost similiar conversation about my Mom just today. I think the generational gap makes them ignorant to things like this. Or like you said, they just don't care. But I will beat a bitch down -- even my own Mother -- if she ever in any way made my child feel insecure in an already painfully insecure world. Grrrrr! I tell my kids all the time how our home and our family should ALWAYS be your safe haven where you are loved unconditionaly and no one will ever hurt you. Extended family included. You are so obviously a wonderful mother and providing that safe haven for your daughter -- fuck the rest of the planet :)

Shawna said...

Liv is very lucky to have you on her side. Just keep making sure YOUR message is the one she hears the most.....not only is she beautiful...but she is VERY smart. As long as she has the strength of YOUR support & the support of other positve women she will soar!! And in my humble opinion it is a generational issue her grandmother is suffering from...just saying :)

Shawna said...

Oops....meant to type it is NOT a generational issue...damn fingers...

mommyrotten said...

Grrr! Good for you for standing up for your daughter! No girl should be made to feel that way by the people who are supposed to love her. I saw a picture of her in an earlier post and honestly, I don't know how you can stand having such a pretty daughter in her teens. I'd be losing my mind with worry.

I think you had some good insights about your mother's issues with weight. Maybe that is worth telling your daughter so she can see that her grandmother's comments are more about herself than they are about your girl. Also I was raised to always tolerate the shitty behaviour of older relatives just because they are old and I think that is fucking wrong. People have a right to be treated with respect regardless of age or station in life.