Thursday, August 4, 2011

When life takes us by surprise...

Life has a tendency to sneak up on us when we least expect it too...

I have been thinking alot lately about where I ended up in life, and where I thought I'd be. im pretty sure Im not the only one who does this.

If you could ask the 10 year old me where she would like to be in 15 or 20 years she would say, Id be an astronaut or a doctor, married with a family...

If you asked the 15 year old me where i would be in 10 or 15 years, she would say done with college, with a job that could support my daughter and I comfortably...

If you asked the 20 year old me where she would be in the next 5 or 10 years, she"d say anywhere I could be who I am without judgement, to parent my kids and to have a job that will support them..

Well here i am 27 years old, 3 kids, no income and utterly defeated.

I had my oldest child my freshman year of high school.. She will be 13 in December. My life changed. My goals changed... Life snuck up on me. I was a terrible parent to my daughter, I was unavailable, i was gone a lot and i had no idea what i was supposed to be doing...

I had my second child just outta high school at 18, my son will be 9 in October. I wasn't as bad of a parent when he came around, not even close to running mom of the year.... Made more bad choices, put my son in some dangerous situations, then i think i figured it out... After working and supporting my son and a dead weight boyfriend, i got myself evicted from my apartment to get my self outta a very bad relationship and moved back home with my parents.... Life snuck up on me....

I ran around, I worked my ass off, played with my kids I enjoyed being a single parent, with the help of my mom and my dad my kids had everything and more...

I met a guy... i was in no shape or form to start a relationship I made that clear..... Guess what......

 life snuck up on me...
i fell and i fell hard...

i had finally met my match.. My balance.
He loved me, he loved my kids he wasn't supposed to be able to have his own so it was a match made in heaven... that was 5 years ago.
I moved out of may parents house 4 months later and he moved in with me about 6 months after that...

Then a year later life snuck up on me again and we were pregnant....
i had my youngest at 24 and she is a monster....

Co-parenting has proven difficult as has co-habitation......

this is not where i saw my life going... i didn't want any of this..

But now that i have it...

I dont want anything else.

Sometimes you have to roll with the punches to get to the good stuff....
The latest blow was hard...
Our Relationship is broken and its not that important to either of us to fix it.

Life snuck up on me...
I'm curious to see where we will go from here..

3 comments:

Unknown said...

You are right, you are not alone. Alot of us look back and wonder what the hell happened. Two kids, divorced, unemployed.....definately not where I wanted to be by 29. Life does have a way of sneeking up on you, when you least expect it. Funny thing is no matter how messed up I think my life is....I wouldnt change it for the world, because I have two little girls that think I am amazing, no matter how much I feel like a failure. That's the funny thing about kids, they seem to love you with all of your faults. I guess when life sneeks up on you and knocks your ass down, all we can do is get back up. Ashley, you have great kids, three of them....even if one is a "monster", LOL. You have done a great job, all of us have screwed up and not been the "best" parents, but our kids are healthy and alive, thats something to be thankful for.

Autumn said...

I am right there with you Ash.. First kid in high school, second 18 months later, 3rd 16 months later and 4th 3 yrs later. My children have sperm donors. I messed up, and I messed up bad at times. But set aside all my mistakes and I have 4 blessings that I believe truly saved my life from the world of drugs and rockin roll. I have not always been the mom of the year contender, but my kids love me no less. I struggled with wanting to be a great mom and have the freedom to do what I want when I want. I have learned that with all the hell that kids can cause there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they make the cloudy days seem bright. Now if I could say that my other half did that for me everyday that would be am F'ing a dream come true..
Ash just know that there are others in your shoes and are always willing to listen if you need to vent, and someone to go and have coffee with while we let the monsters run around and tear up the park....

ashley said...

Thanks ladies:)

point is, Life takes some pretty unexpected turns...
Autumn, we will be doing a coffee park date for sure soon!!!

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