Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The thing that happened that one time, or it didnt... i dont know

Ok, so some shit about me, and why i am the who I am....

FIRST,
I was adopted, not once, but TWICE.  It was never a secret in our house, it was always common knowledge to my brother and I... Maybe that's where my parents fucked up..
I don't know. We will get to their failings a little later in this post...

I was born in Portland, Oregon. I was adopted at birth by a family in New York that already had 2 biological children, or so i was told, i don't know why but when i was 6 weeks old the attorney that handled my adoption got a call saying that they decided i was not right for their family(kinda like a puppy with a bad temperament i guess) so the attorney asked his paralegal who was waiting to adopt another baby if her and her husband would care for me till they could place me.. I learned later that my birth mother never knew any of this happened.... She said yes, and they decided to keep me:) Which was a plus for them because the baby they were waiting to adopt, was kept by the birth mother.

Fast Forward....
 I was a baby, i didn't know what the hell was going on and really i only remember bits and pieces of shit till i was about 5 or 6 but that's not what this is about........ Even though I'm not even sure what this is about....


SQUIRREL....


Moving on.....
At about the age 10 i started realizing the only time my mom wanted anything to do with my brother and I, was when she threw a dinner party, or had a friend over or went places.... We were the perfect, blond haired, blue eye accessories... of course i didn't know exactly that, but as i look back it was pretty fucking obvious...

Life moved on and figured that bitch out.. it was all about her, and when It wasn't, she'd manipulate the situation till it was... at 12, i got a bit rebellious, so instead of talking, you know, Communication,
She decided she didn't need to deal with me any more and shipped me off to a relative 4 and a half hours away... All the while pretending she was the victim, and i was such a horrible child that she was forced to send me a way... I will admit i was a handful, but not enough to send a way... ( i have a 12 year old daughter, no matter what she did or does the best place for her is here, with me, to guide her and love her through the rough spots.)

i don't think i will ever forgive her for pawing me off on some one else to deal with....
After i loved with family for abut 9 months, I broke my arm pretty bad and by this time my dad had had enough, my mom was a bitch and his daughter was coming home.... he drove up to get me that night and bring me home.

A week after i got home my mom dropped me up town to get my meds... I met up with a few old friends and that is all i remember from that day...... 6 weeks later i was pregnant...i was only alone with one guy... i know i told him no.... but he had sex with me anyways.

My mom said she didn't believe me, that i was just a dirty whore. I said i wanted an abortion, i didn't want this thing  inside me. I didn't want to not know how it got there... She said no, she said adoption is they right thing or parenting this child... i made my bed now i must lie in it....

I will never forgiver her for not listening to me, because i know she heard me....

I gave birth to my beautiful daughter in December of my freshman year of high school....
To me, she meant love it a hateful world, she was my everything, she still is....
To my mom, she was a means to control and manipulate me... another accessory.....

And so my life went on, As i grew older she got worse..
She threatened my dad with divorce,  if you choose your daughter over me again i will leave you...

My dad was not without fault, but no matter what was going on, he was ALWAYS available for me, i wasn't just some thing he could show off... or use... he loved me..

My parents hated each other and the tension in our house was palpable...

Ive been in therapy for 10 years.... I had to know that this is not how relationships work.. I'm at Peace with what has happened in my life, or not happened, or the things i just imagined to escape.....

I have given forgiveness, and asked for it...

but there are things I will never forgive
I will never forgiver her for not listening to me, because i know she heard me....
I will never forgive her for sending me away
I will never forgive her for the things she said to to my dad before he died
I will never forgive her for not being around and putting herself in front of her children

I am accountable for my own actions,  my emotional trauma....
i am not responsible for hers....
Guilty consciences are a BITCH,

But even though all these things are true to me,
I am thankful she did all of them,

BECAUSE
 I know what not to do,
I value my children above myself,
I would give any and everything to make them happy,
I will learn from her mistakes

I will love my self,
And
I will be proud of that one thing that happened that one time...








5 comments:

Destiny said...

whoa bitch! kudos to being such a strong person through all that shit! I just want to hug your whore ass!

Chrissy said...

That takes a really strong person to realize that and rise above it. Good for you!

Shawna said...

You have every reason to be proud of who you've become. Strong isn't easy....and we are so very proud of the woman you are.

Nikki Darlin' said...

I'm so proud of you for being so strong and sharing this story. *HUGS*

insomnia said...

Very moving. I like that you made peace with all that on an emotional level.

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