Saturday, August 27, 2011

The end of the beginning, and the beginning of forever...

Today we reach the end of the beginning...

Shawna was so sure that Neal would be devastated and angry that he never knew about me.... What was the word she used..

Maybe your right, but it won't be as bad as you think. Just a feeling, but my instincts are usually right on. Even with strangers

Im ready for whatever happens. Its amazing at how good it feels to let it out. I didnt realize how tightly I had been holding onto my secret.

She never really told anyone about me.. Her sister, a close friend, the man she married and one other.. She held on to this secret for 25 years.

I couldn't even imagine what it feels like. To be alone and pregnant, i was alone, but i had support of my family, friends, even strangers, with liv i was so young, and even still, i was supported. It's amazing that only a few people knew, i am sorry you had to keep that secret.

 I think I would have had the support....if I hadnt been so damn proud. I was ashamed. I was technically an adult.....but so naive....I wonder sometimes how I managed to live through that period of my life. Frankly, my friend Dee, saved me from myself...without her Im not sure I would have lived through it.

I asked if she had told Neal yet

I didnt get him on the phone again. But Id be lying if I said I wasnt a nervous wreck....and will be until I get it done. I sent him a text & he said he would call later. I have my fingers & toes crossed

The next morning I got this....

He was shocked....and thrilled. And kept telling me over & over that I could have come to him. Kept telling me he hated that I went through it alone. When I told him you were beautiful he said, of course she is....she came from you. But I think you have his eyes.

Ever the cocky bitch i replied

See i told you i was i genius. I told you he would say that.

You will get no argument from me on your status as a genius. LOL He did ask if it was ok if he told people he had a daughter. 

That's cool:-) dose he have other kids? If he want's to tell people cool with me, he can have my number and email, and there is always face book:-)

He has 2 sons 31 & 28...and 4 grandchildren. I will give him your number tomorrow. I dont have any other email for you than this. He doesnt have a computer at home, but he did say both of his boys are on facebook. As soon as I get more details I will let you know. I just had a poor girl!! All brothers!! UGH! lol

The next evening my phone rang, It was Neal, we talked for about and hour or so, or really I talked and he mostly listened. It was great. I was happy, and felt this amazing sense of relief...
Then i got anxious, and Fearful..
What have I done? what do i want out of this, can I really handle this relationship??
SO I wrote

I am not certain of what i want right now. My goal was to find out about my history, where my blood ran. I have an amazing family who loves me, and i don't doubt that you two love me, but it's hard to figure it out. I never thought any one would respond to my emails, just kinda wishful thinking. But i am so glad you did. Because not only do i have the information i was seeking, i have helped you deal with something that's been hurting you, and given joy to ya'll. I am glad i found you both. And i would love to have you be a part of my life, but i am not sure what part you guys would play. My dad is dying, and my mom is a wreck, my brother is over extended, and my kids need me. I am sure you two have your own issues to deal with. I just don't want to cause problems in your own families

 Neal has two older sons, I could only imagine how this was effecting them, or Shawna's son, who is just a year older than my daughter...

I got this in reply

He wanted me to tell you that he didnt talk much....but he will remember every word. And we both understand....this cant be easy for you. And we both agreed that we can tell you have a wonderful family, and we are so grateful for all they have given you (and we dont mean STUFF!! lol)
As far as you causing problems?....all you did was help me face my hurt & reconnect with a man I should have never walked away from. And you have made us so very happy....for someone as wordy as I am...I cant begin to find the right ones. I guess that's Neal & I both. We aren't going to bull our way into your life.....and I'll be completely honest....its hard to hold back....but neither of us wants you to go away now that you have found us. You are not a problem. And we both intend to accept whatever role you would like us to take. But always know....there are 2 more people that will support you in all you do.
I was thinking today that I would love to talk to your mom & dad or write them a letter....thank them for raising such an amazing woman. But every time I start the words dry up & I end up crying LOL I need to see someone about these damn leaky eyes I seem to have lol...

That was almost two years ago..
Since then
I have
developed a great relationship with the woman who
loved me so much
she let go,
The man who never knew about me,
but wants me anyways
 3 brothers who are amazing and give me these little window into their lives,
Started to connect with the important people in their lives.

The best part
In April i received a letter in the mail..
It was a wedding invitation..

 On May 21st, 2011
My biological parents got married

Over time and space,
25 years later
they found each other again.
I am so pleased to have involved.
And although I could not make the trip out to meet them,

A face to face meeting I'm sure is in our immediate future.

So really,
It is
The END of the beginning,
The Beginning of FOREVER.


Shawna & Neal said...

The words dried up & eyes started leaking again....without a doubt these are just our "baby steps" LMAO!!!! We love you....and are so proud of the woman you have become. We look forward to everyday a little more because you are in our lives. And always remember....we may not always agree....but we will ALWAYS be on your side.

Nikki Darlin' said...

OMG That is the best story ever. I'm so glad it had such an amazing ending/beginning.

Anonymous said...

This is like a story out if a movie, happy ending and all :)
- S

mommyrotten said...

No fucking way! That's awesome. This was a good story, I'm glad I followed it.

Not Supermom said...

Oh, I need a Kleenex. How wonderful.

insomnia said...

Teary eyed here myself! That's like a Nicholas Sparks book. I am so happy for you and them!