Friday, August 26, 2011

And the story continues

After that first message, my stomach did a flip and my palms got all sweaty... Was this really happening? Did she really just confirm that she knew all these things that i knew but didn't share?? What do I do?? What do I say?? is she freaking out too?? holy cow, what did I do??
It took me a minute to get my head straight and reply...

Portland is a beautiful place. i believe you are my birth mother, i was born may 4th 1984 at emanuel hospital. I was adopted by a family from new york, but something happened and they couldn't or didn't want to keep me. my mom worked at the attorneys office that did the adoption and she was waiting for a baby, she took me instead. Her name is *** . I believe my aunt linda brought you flowers when you were in the hospital. This is kinda surreal, i have wanted to find you for a long time, but i was scared you would want to be found, or you would hate me. I hope that is not the case, but if it is. I understand.
i was pretty sure i sounded like and idiot blurting out the wrong fucking answer...

Waiting for a response was hell, i had so many questions, I wanted so many answers, what if she didn't want to talk to me.... what if she forgot about me, what if I'm not good enough, does she know my biological father? Was I a secret?? Did everyone know and just not care??

Then a response..
 Oh lord!! I am without words to express how sorry I am about the couple from New York. And I am so very grateful to your mom. All I wanted was what was best for you. I could NEVER hate you!!! The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold you....and I was so afraid of not wanting to let you go that I didn't dare. I have thought about you every day.....hoping you were happy & healthy.....hoping you had everything I couldn't give you then. I'm sitting here now typing through tears....tears of joy & happiness that you found me. I was so afraid when I got your first message...afraid that when I heard from you again you would tell me you hated me. Its been a rough couple of days waiting....but I'm so glad you wrote back. You are so beautiful!!! Seeing your picture it just amazes me!!! Thank you for finding me.
And so the conversation continued....

do you have other children?Yes, I have a son who is 12


Then I asked about my biological father... Does she still talk to him?
she replied

I haven't seen him since shortly after you were born. He was married at the time & going through a very rough patch....I'm sure I didn't make things any easier...I never told him about you. I was so ashamed & scared, I did the only thing I could think of to do. But since your first email....Ive been trying to find him. I think its only fair that I tell him. He can rain any anger down on me...but if I knew him at all....he will love you. He was such a sweetheart!! And if I had had any sense back then...I would have run away with him. But I didn't. And you paid the price. I'm so very sorry if you ever thought I didn't want you.
We talked on the phone for hours that day, she told me about my biological father, and how she came to Portland... about her son, her job, her life really... It was amazing. She said she had a friend who was tracking down my biological father and she now had his phone number and was going to call him that evening...

so did you call him....
 I talked to him for a few minutes but he was heading off to a football game, so I am going to call him in about an hour. He is just as sweet as I remember....I just hope he is forgiving too. I will let you know as soon as Ive told him.
What did ya'll talk about? Is he still married? What does he do?
 Did he seem happy to hear from you?
LOL He is divorced. He works for the state of North Carolina fixing bridges....he is a supervisor of about 10 guys. He seemed very happy to hear from me. We did the "what if game..." He should have never let me go & I should have never walked away. It was so good to hear his voice again Good, i am glad you two made a connection again after 25 years. Seems like a smart man. I hope, for both of us he is receptive, and if i am anything like either of you, he'll only be angry because you had to deal with this for so long, alone. You went through everything alone. Because there is nothing that can be changed, there is no reason for anger.
I robbed him of a choice.

And I deserve every bit of that anger.

Im gonna floor him...of that there is NO doubt

stay tuned for more exciting twists and turns!!!


Anonymous said...

You made me cry this morning reading your latest post. Good tears though. :)


Nikki Darlin' said...

OMG have you ever thought of writing all this in a book?

TwistedMummy Chronicles said...

I'm stalking you from Rockin Mama blog hop. Looking forward to reading more.

Anonymous said...

I've been waiting in anticipation about your birth mom's reaction. I held my breath as I read her response! I am so glad she was happy you found her.

Shawna said...

I'm so very glad you decided to tell this story...and very proud of the storyteller.

mommyrotten said...

bitch, you made me cry...but in a good way. i will definitely stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.